Wimp

I don't think there will be dental visit in my future that doesn't include some sort of real and immediate pain, or promise of pain. Amber, my sweet, my darling, my love... can walk in the Dentist smiling and walk out yawing and stretching. (I wonder now if that was some sort of sneaky ploy to get me to go in.) I, me, myself and moi... not the case. Not even close. I walk in, sit down happy as a goofy pup, and it is like the Hygienists and Dentist throw some sort of black magic steel party in my teeth. For instance, my routine cleaning has now been scheduled for a full-on deep cleaning on Tuesday. SUCK. I had that already, not two years ago. What the crap?

I suppose God decided that I should be created with teeth that are prone to gengevitibactorialsomethinsomething in exchange for being outlandishly handsome. Ho hum.

It doesn't help that I have the nervous system of a monkey on crack. When it comes to certain things I have about a ZERO on the pain tolerance/wuss scale. I swear to Buddha that a few weeks ago, when my wife pulled a hair out of my cheek- WITHOUT WARNING OR ASKING- I thought I was going to instantaneously cry.

We were just lounging on the couch after a hard days work, watching the Late Show...

Amber: "Heeeey, you've got a stray hair on your right cheek."

Me: (Tired and barely paying attention.) "Oh, that's niIIIIIIOOOOOOWWWWWE GOD!!!! AMMMBERRRR???"

Amber: (Studying the liberated hair between her thumb and forefinger and unmoved by my pain.) "Oh, you big wimp. Its just a hair."

Me: "Being a wimp is entirely not the point!" I say, rubbing my cheek and trying to conceal the tear that is bulging in my right eye above the empty and bloody follicle.

Amber: Looks at the camera filming us and chuckles.

Me: "And that really hurt Amber, and its still HURTING."

So off to the dadgum friggin everloving God-bless-him dentist I go this Monday.

Truth be told, I am extremely grateful for my Dentist Rodney Rayburn. When my wisdom teeth started to abscess a few months ago, I called from NYC and Rodney IMMEDIATELY called in a prescription, from Houston to NYC, and even found the Pharmacy less than a block away. The man rocks. Having genetically cavemen teeth on the otherwho... sucks.

Hey Kids: The Truth About Jell-0

Gelatin is a processed version of the protein collagen, a simple protein that makes up one-third of all proteins in the human body. The main source of the collagen that is used in Jell-O comes from hooves, bones, connective tissue found on cows, horses and pigs.

That's right little children, every time you eat that little, wobbly, fat-free, sugar-free, cherry-flavored glob... you are eating ole' Bessy's cow toenails and boiled bones. Darn that Bill Cosby, darn him to heck.

The Kroger Zone

I walked into the Krogers today to buy Claritin, and instead of heading straight for the Pharmacy, I was struck by the glorious bounty of elbow-room abounding in the place. It felt weird to not rub butts with half the people on my block as I tried to find the dadgum raisin bread. It felt even stranger to not be cussed for accidentally rubbing butts, even though it is usually THEIR butt that rubs into my butt area.

The Kroger in Sugarland was so strange today that it felt a bit like a twilight zone episode. I expected to hear Rod Serling pipe through the Grocery speaker: "A young man... sorry, a young and devilishly handsome man... steps into a familiar place. A place where he used to by his coconut cream pies and cranberry scones..." Okay, not the best impersonation.

I also had a dream last night that I was singing with the Soggy Bottom Boys on Oh Brother Where Art Thou, when we all noticed that the full moon kept getting closer and closer to the earth. Withing minutes, (a very older looking) George Clooney and I were swimming for our lives as the closing moon was causing unbelievable tides to swallow all land on the planet. The moon looked a little like the Palantir in Lord of the Rings.

That, was a cool dream.

Scant

For the next week or so, the blogging might be scant... like that sorry excuse for a post that I slapped up there yesterday and didn't have the common decency to back the photo up to the last > of the rocket picture.

We are in Houston now and we are already having a heck of a time with our friends. I've got this German test coming up and I also have to finish producing a record for my good friend Carey. So, for the next week or so, you will be seeing either the shortest, or the most bizarre (lame) posts yet, or maybe short, pointless vignettes from my childhood.

I don't know... something. I gotta write something every day. It is a rule. I shall not break it.

Do you guys have creative rules that you follow every day? I have to create something every day or I seriously get depressed. Even if it is the literary equivalent of whittling a small, wormy stick like this post. Just something.

Hope you enjoy the picture.

Big Boy Toys

WASHINGTON - A missile launched from a Navy cruiser soared 130 miles above the Pacific and smashed a dying and potentially deadly U.S. spy satellite Wednesday, the Pentagon said.

Now that's what I'm talkin' about.

I've Been Holding Out.

A few months ago, I sent a query letter and the first chapter of my book to one of the most well known literary agencies in NYC. I won't mention them by name, but one of the many big-hitter-authors on their roster is an author that has carved quite a place/throne for himself in the Legal Thriller genre.

"Why in the world would you even bother, Seth?" you might ask. Well, when you are looking for Agents, one of the things you do is try to find a Novel similar to yours, then look for their agent. Well, I found a novel that was similar to mine in style and I set out to find his agent. My novel is very quirky and (hopefully) funny and weird and you can't imagine how hard it was to find a book similar in style. And you can't imagine how bummed i was to find out that his agent was not only huge, but uber gigantasauras huge, and taking on a new author was probably at the bottom of his to do list... twenty years ago.

Alas, I sent the query anyways and sulked off to bed.

Lo and behold, the next day... I got a request from that agency to read the full manuscript.

That doesn't mean that he will represent me, but I went from a 1 in 50,000 to maybe a 1 in 20 to 50. So, I geeked out pretty hard. That means, out of the thousands of queries they get weekly from new and established authors, they saw something in my query and first chapter that stood out enough to request the full manuscript!

"But what the heck?" I thought, "This guy doesn't need any new authors... he's gets enough money to go to the moon and jump around in a space suit trying to catch zero-gravity m&ms every time "you-know-who" publishes a new novel."

After a little research, I read that this particular agent tries to pick one or two new authors every few years to reinvigorate the business. So, I might have a shot, if not with him, then one of the other 3 amazing agents at his agency. Either way, I am honored and bewildered that he (or his screening assistant) thought mine was interesting enough to put in the finals.

I tell you this news now, my friends, for two reasons.

First, for you to pray that God's will is done, (or that they they will beg like starving puppies to represent me, either one... same thing.) and second, because and its more fun to talk about it while its still a possibility.

At the very worst, I know that it is good enough for them to take the time out of their busy schedule of managing their multi-million dollar producing clients to read me little ole' novel, which is encouraging. And a little encouragement goes a long way, especially in a business where rejection is the norm, especially for a newbie like me.

I know what some of you are thinking... "huh, I always thought Seth was a decent dribbler, but not all that special." Well, that may be true, but I'm happy to say that there is a great difference in the writing you see here, and the intense, sweaty work that goes into shaping each paragraph of a novel like its an ice sculpture... (in my case, the sculpture resembles a short and pudgy man.) or tweaking each sentence until it rings like a bell... or giving it structure and its dialogue authenticity... developing characters until you forget you are reading... the whole time trying to stay spontaneous and crackling with energy... Not to mention correcting the myriadic mountain of cascading grammatical errors. I hope I've achieved, even a little of that. In the meantime, I'll keep crackin' at it.

Anyways, I thought I'd share that with you guys because its getting close to the time they should be letting me know, and because I like you so darn much and I thought you'd find it encouraging too. I hope this encourages anyone who is working at a goal or a dream, and to not give up, and to know that little successes are the ones that get you to the big ones, and that the biggest success is actually doing it! So, if you've had a dream sitting inside of you for a long, long time, maybe its time that you gave it a little life while you can. There are hundreds of thousands of people who don't have the resources that you have, and to do nothing with what you have, is a sin and a smack in their face. "To whom much is given, much is required." Get to it and bless others generously with what you have been given!

P.S., there is no doubt that the novel would be 100 miles of that agency if it hadn't been for my wife's keen, creative, encouraging, and gorgeous green editing eyes. Period. End of story. And, I just bet, that his might be the only novel that was completely edited while waiting on line for Broadway auditions, so, DOUBLE-FUN!

Wish me luck!

Okay, back to German studies.

German Fun.

"On the street to Bremen there stands an old donkey. He is weak and tired, because he has been the move all day. Why is he on the way to Beermen? Because hopes to find work as a musician. He thinks maybe he can find work in the symphony orchestra as a trumpet blower. At home he can no longer work, because his father, a miller, wants to get rid of him. He is fifteen years old, and the bags which he must carry to the mill are too heavy..."

A old donkey... that finds work... in an orchestra...

Translating German is fun. I love translating German. I don't could go on living if I didn't get to translate such masterpieces. I can hardly wait to see what happens next. I love German. I love translating German. I'm going to gnaw off my arm at the elbow. Thank you, thank you.

This One's For My Buddy, Jack

htttttttt: Vitamin Z

Today

So what did I do for Valentines day? I dropped my wife off at the airport. First Valentines day apart. But we've never been big Valentines day folken. That's not really true. We say that, but then when it gets here we always get something for each other. Or we use it as an excuse to go splurge on some chocolate.

But this year, Amber is on her way to Houston to play Belle in Beauty and the Beast. For the past week I've had a blast reading lines with her. I get to be all the other voices, and since I've about got that flick memorized, I think I do alright. Especially with Cogsworth and Lumiere.

So, I batch'n it for Valentines day. Poor wittle me. I do miss my green-eyed girl. Its only been 5 hours. Wuv, twu wuv...

Maybe I'll see movie tonight. I should study German, but come on. It's Valentines day.

Oh, and on the train ride back, a large man sat next to me. He looked like a mix between Gerry Garcia and Santa Clause. It was the first time I've ever seen or heard of anyone snoring and humming at the same time. No kidding. Snoring, and humming, both coming out of the great mass of white-haired flesh pressing against my right side.

P.S. The Osteen Discussion is getting revved up. I'm about to take it another notch and talk about the merits, if any of prosperity.

A Few Things to Remember as We Discuss Dr. Osteen... (revised version)

For the sake of knowing that I'm trying to give an unbiased opinion, I am stating heretofore, that I am not an Osteen advocate. I don't even watch him on T.V. (regularly) I don't send Lakewood money. I don't go to Lakewood when I'm in town. (not that going there would be bad. It's fun! I've been!) Me and the Lord were and are getting on just dandy without his books and sermons. That's because I'm not a light reader. You are talking to a man who reads Aquinas' Summa Theologica on the can for fun. Even Lucado, Lord bless him and wonderful cash-cow gifts, bores me up one tree and down the other these days. But that's just me. Lucado is a great writer. I just don't go in for the light theological reading these days, or anything written in the last fifty years. So why talk about Osteen?

First, I like shaking things up. Most of you know that. It's fun (for me) to wrestle with issues, learn and be sharpened. There are some things I know a lot about, there are some things I don't know much about, but I'm learning. So about Joel... I don't know much about him, but I've heard a bunch of stuff about him, and some of that stuff includes damning the guy to hell for telling people that God wants to bless them. I've got a hunch that there is a bunch of jealous, pastor-envy going on in the undertones of damnation.

Second, I don't believe in taking someone's word about someone else. (Unless they are an unrepentant murderer being chased on the news.) Especially when it has to do with their eternity. I like to dig in and find out for myself. This is what I'm doing with Joel Osteen, and his message. I've heard the opposite arguments presented, and the other day, I picked up his latest book at B&N, and after reading it, I decided that... he ain't so bad. A lot of big-wig Christians disagree with Joel, but then again, a lot of Christians disagree with the Pope. Big surprise. In the below discussion, we are talking about Joel, and his most current book, and the accusations that have been made towards him. You are welcome to join in, even though it might get pretty heavy sometimes. (Meaning: If you don't like theological, eschatological talk, you might fall asleep in parts. But I hope not!)

For me, this kind of stuff is what I live for. I could sit around the fire all night talking about this stuff. But one reason I picked this topic with Joel, is that for me, it goes further, deeper. It has to do with Christ's Kingdom here and now, and what all that means. For me, its been something I've been thinking about since I read St. Augustine's City of God. (A book all Christians should read. Especially the chapter on heaven. Wow.) More on that later. For now, let's talk Osteen. See comments in post below! Me and Cach and C-ham are at it! Wahoo!

Prelude to the Pandora's Box.

Just a few lines from Osteen's new book, then I'll build my case:


"When God puts a dream into your heart, it may look impossible in the natural. Every voice may tell you it will never happen. "You'll never break that addiction. You'll never accomplish your dreams. You'll never be happy." But if you believe and stay in faith, and expect good things, you can defy the odds."

"Don't go around thinking, "Everybody gets good breaks except me. I've reached my limits... I don't know why I'm not as talented as that other person." No, get rid of that defeated mind-set. You are a child of the Most High God. God has breathed His life into you. He planted seeds of greatness in you. You have everything you need to fulfill your God-given destiny. God has already put in the talent, the creativity, the discipline, the wisdom, and the determination. It's all in you. You are full of potential. But you have to do your part and start tapping into it. You have to make better use of the gifts and talents that God has given you."

"Other people's opinions do not determine your potential."

"Out of your greatest rejection comes our greatest direction."

"Granted, you may have gotten off to a rough start in life. You may have had more than your share of unfair thins happen. But it's not how you start that counts. It's how you finish. Shake off the past; shake off discouragement. Remind yourself that God is still in complete control of your life. If you'll keep your trust in Him, He promises that no weapon formed against you will prosper. Your situation may seem unfair, it may be difficult; it may seem the forces working against you are winning momentarily, but God said He'd turn your circumstances around and use them to your advantage. The Scripture says, "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy is coming in the morning."

"I don't deserve anything. I'm just a weak worm of the dust," I hear people say. No, you're not a weak worm of the dust; you are a child of the Most High God. Hold your head up high, put your shoulders back, and start acting like a child of Almighty God."

"Some people are always finding fault with themselves. "I wish I didn't look like this. I wish I had her personality, and I wish I had his talent." No, God designed you as you are on purpose. You are an original. Quit being negative and critical toward yourself and start enjoying yourself as the unique creation of God."

"Remember, we are called overcomers. That means we're going to have obstacles. You can't have great victories without having difficult battles."

"The Bible says, "Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law," The curse behind any kind of defeat - sin, mistakes, wrong choices, fear, worry, constant sickness, unhealthy relationships, or bad attitudes. Please understand that those are all things from which you have already been set free. But here's the catch: If you don't appreciate and take advantage of your freedom, if you don't get your thoughts, your words, your attitudes going in the right direction, it won't do you any good."

"Too many people learn to function in their dysfunction."

"Take responsibility for your actions. God has given you free will. You can choose to change.."

"Don't take the easy way out. Keep doing your best even when it's difficult. Keep loving, giving, and serving. Your faithfulness is noticed in heaven. You are storing up equity for both yourself and generations to come."

"Before you were born, God saw you, and He endowed you with gifts and talents uniquely designed for you. He's given you ideas and creativity, as well as specific areas in which you can excel."

"Sam asks God to forgive him every day for something he did three years ago. He has asked for forgiveness more than five hundred times for the same thing. Sam fails to grasp the fact that God forgave him the first time he asked. The problem is, Sam didn't recieve the forgiveness and mercy. He continues listening to the accusing voices. "You blew it, God can't bless you. You know what you did a few years ago." Instead Sam needs to get up every morning and say something like, "Father, thank You that Your mercy ednures forever. I may have mad mistakes in the past, but I know nothing I've done is too much for Your mercy. I may have even made mistakes yesterday. But I know Your mercy is fresh and new every single morning. So I receive it by faith today."

Up Next: A Case For Ole'steen

Newest series in the brewing pot. I've been doing some reading and guess what? I think he's 99 percent right on. Can't wait to do some blogwrasslin' with some of you.

Random Morning Song

For some reason I awoke this morning singing:

Weeeeeeell,
Lambs eat oats
and does eat oats
and little lambs eat ivy
a kid'll eat ivy too
a kid'll eat ivy too
wouldn't you?


Anybody know this song, or why in the name of Mr. Rogers I would wake up singing this little ditty?

Tim Keller

We saw Tim Keller the other night talking about his new book, The Reason For God. I haven't read the book yet, but from all accounts it is as fantastic as his sermons. Keller is an incredible preacher. Most of you know that. I'm a little late on the preacher-clue train as far as great teachers go. I didn't know a darn thing about Tim Keller when we got here until I bragged to one of my buddies in Missouri about our new pastor. He already had half his sermons on podcast or whatever.

To be honest, I usually don't like to listen to sermons much. I love preachers, I am a preachers son and grew up surrounded by preachers, but after all these years, I much prefer reading. Mostly because I'm a.d.d and I have a hard time concentrating on long lectures, which is what preaching is. I much prefer the Socratic approach.

HOWEVER, Tim Keller is a different story altogether. The man is not only a giant, six-foot-four brain with glasses, he is extremely likable and probably the best Bible teacher I've ever heard, in person. I say teacher, cause that's what he is. A pulpit-pounding pontificator, he is not. Thank God. Tim is much more like a professor, but one of those professors that get applause after their lectures. Not that he goes for the applause thing, or that he cares about that crap.

Most times, in college, if you go to a good University, you have professors who are pretty good and you enjoy their class a great deal. My undergrad, not so much. My grad school, bunches. And if you've ever experienced a teacher that is so brilliant, that you can't wait to get a good seat, you'll know what I'm talking about. It's like they've got... shoot, I hate to use these words, but "the secret" to it all. And it's not really a secret at all, it's just that they have a way of shining a light on what has been there all along, something that you knew, somewhere inside of you, but where unable to express it or find yourself. That's what a great teacher does and that's what Tim Keller does.

We love Redeemer and we've already been blessed in so many ways by friendships there. Last week, Tom Jennings, an incredible musician, head-hancho of the music program at Redeemer, and all-around great guy ask Amber and I to sing "Give Me Jesus" for the two evening services. We did, and we were blessed and I hope the good people there were blessed as well. Later that week, we went to a meet and greet with Tim Keller and got a chance to talk with him a bit. (He liked us but only recognized us from behind, as that is how he saw us singing.) Also, during the Q & A about his book, I noticed that Genny Owens was sitting in front of me. We also met her and chatted with her after. What a sweet person she is!

So that's the church update for now. Going to lead worship for a Redeemer group tonight and need to brush up the guitar skills. Maybe work on my nunchuck skills or bow staff skills after. Peathh Out.

(Updated links coming tonight!)

Let's Link Folks.

Let's link folks. I'll be the first to admit, that as a community blogger, I suck. I've got two incredible thesis to respond to in my comment section (MB and Vitamin Z) and I keep meaning to get there but as soon as the time comes to respond, it evaporates. Dangit! I've even got blogs over there to the right that are no longer in service or are flat-out wrong addresses. (Sorry Joanna!)

So, I'm doing a little update. On any average 2 or three days, I read about 6 blogs pretty regular, sometimes obsessively if I'm bored or procrastinating. (I've got a little O.C.D. and blogging helped me to quit smoking.) But lately, I've discovered a few more blogs that I just gots ta' read. Like Majorsteve's and Amy's, and Joanna's... and superchurchlady's and many, many more. You guys are killing me. You've been a needed break from my Deutsche studies.

A side note: Oh how I can't wait to get back to some music making or novel writing. BTW! Yesterday, I did get a commission from a touring string sextet to write a kick-arse piece for their Aisian tour! That'll be fun, and it will probably be recorded and sold! However, I've got loads of songs bursting to come out and two ideas for novels that are twitching just below the knuckles to leap onto the... what's the word... a.d.d. moment (or little mermaid moment)... keyboard!

Anyways, back to the blog linking business. If you want me to link you, and you don't see the link to the side, holler at me. I've been told recently that I need to beef up my blogging habits. I'm lazy. I said that already.

But part of it isn't laziness. I've just never been in it for the numbers. Plus, it seems like the best blogs are ones that didn't really try that hard and they were just good in the first place. But that's neither here nor there. There are 5 blogs that I read this past week, written by everyday joes, that I think should be the most popular blogs on the internet.

Back on topic Seth, back on topic. You send me your link, I'll send you mine. I like to read. Cause' I like people. I'm like a dog. I like talking to people. I like peeing on things to mark my territory. And I promise, promise, that I'll never hump your leg or sniff your butt. Back on the human side, I also like discussion. I live for it. I've learned a boatload from the regular to irregular contributors here: C-hammer, Mammasboy, Cachinator, Fancypants, Euphrony, Vitamin-Z, R.O., Rob, Bill, Shaun, Brant to name a few... So if I link you, I'll read you.

But I have to do a lot of hunting for others sometimes because of my poor linkage. There are a few blogs that I read that are linked from someone elses blog. I end up clicking to three blogs to get to the one I'm trying to read. Now THAT is lazy. Well, lazy no more. So here's the delio. If you've commented on my blog in the last 6 months, or if you've linked me and I didn't know it, I'm linkin' ya. Period. If you are a lurkin' machine... (my chance to be a hypocrite and guilt you out by insinuating that you are slightly creepy,) then lets link baby!

Point is, I'm honored if you have been reading, not creeped out, all ye lurkers. If you like what I have to say, then I'll probably like what you have to say. But maybe not, because it's fun sometimes to disagree!!!! Shoot, if we didn't disagree sometimes then what a boring bunch of mushrooms we'd be.

CORNY, SAPPY MOMENT ALERT I am really very happy and amazed that you all read this here blog. Thank you for being a part of my day and for your continued encouragement and for sharpening me. God bless us, every one.

So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together and try to link one another right now.

If you wanna drop me an email, go for it: sethward@sbcglobal.net.

So who remembers Lincoln Logs?!!!

-Thus Sayeth The Ward

p.s., If you subscribe to my feed, you'll get those posts that I post for 2 minutes and remove because they were either: too mean, to stupid, too embarrassing, revealed something top secret about my marriage, revealed something top secret about my involvement with governmental contact with extraterrestrial intelligence, or my thoughts on whether or not there will be pooping in heaven. Stuff like that.

Barth on Prayer

My friend Dr. Eddie Carder, a professor of Philosophy and Faith and Ethics, called me up a few days ago and sent me to his website. Turns out, I have lots of friends with blogs and websites who haven't said anything to me about their blogs and websites. More on that later. Suckers.

Anyways, Eddie sent me over there where I read this quote by Karl Barth, one of my all-time favorite theologians. Barth changed my world as a young 17 year old doubter, teetering on the edge of Universalism, and now again, something has changed in me since a few days ago when I read this here quote on prayer, a subject that has always been mysterious, but lately has been a... struggle.

"God is not deaf, he listens; more than that, he acts. He does not act in the same way whether we pray or not. Prayer exerts an influence upon God's action, even upon his existence. That is what the word 'answer' means. ... The fact that God yields to man's petitions, changing his intentions in response to man's prayer, is not a sign of weakness. He himself, in the glory of his majesty and power, has so willed it."

Here is another from Barth on prayer. I love this one as well.

"To clasp the hands in prayer is the beginning of an uprising against the disorder of the world."

Watching the Grammys

Actually having a good time and haven't wanted to barf once. Kanye was a little stuck up, as usual. Old Houghton and Aretha tore it up with some gospel. They flat-out had some church up in that place. Lovin' it.

Amber quote after Foo Fighters win: "Man, musicians are just aWKwARD on film. They're just rejects from middle school that never got over it."

The dialogues in between awards are C.O.R.N.Y. Dear lord let the writers back in the building.

Lurker? Is That Word Necessary?

Lurking sounds so weird. I'm a pretty regular lurker I suppose, but that blasted word just sounds perverted. I prefer... I don't know... "reader?" Isn't that what people are? We don't call people who read the NY Times "lurkers." Why am I referred to as a "lurker" when I'm just reading a public document? A lurker is a man who looks over a woman's shoulder to check out the cleave. A lurker is a man standing next to you at the urinal and tilts his head your way. (Yes, that's happened. I now go number 1 in stalls.) A lurker is a smelly guy on the subway who is trying to read the funny poem you are writing about him... a lurker is someone at the next table who is eyeballing your food as it arrives from the waiter's hands onto your table.

So... maybe if you had a web cam switched on in your office while you typed or something... you could call me a lurker. But not if you are publishing your stuff on the world wide friggin web.

Essentially, by definition, a lurker poses some kind of threat to the lurkie. Maybe that happens sometimes, but not here. Read away, and never feel guilty. That's why its up here on the dadgum internet. If I didn't want to know what I thought, I'd write a letter to myself. Half the time I think "Lurker" is used by bloggers to get readers to comment so the blogger won't feel depressed because nobody is commenting.

That's all for now. Carry on.

(This paragraph was taken from a much longer blog. My new resolution is to write shorter blog entries. After writing a book or two, its been reeeeeeeal hard to cut these babies short. I mean, just look at how this parenthetical is growing. I can't stop myself. I wanna type type type.)

There is a fine line between being cutting edge and idiotic.

Karlheinz Stockhausen "Helicopter String Quartet"


This would be idiotic.

My dear, dear, German brothers,

The time has come for you to face the facts and realize that the world no longer cares much for what hasn't been done compositionally. That musical catharsis is over. The Viennese School of Composition is allllll done influencing the world. The French, the Slavs, and the Americans grabbed the torch after Schoenberg, and left the building. Don't take my word for it. Just go listen to the score to There Will Be Blood.

It is time for you to stop counting measures up in yer helicopters, while playing tired old atonal glissandos that mimic the helicopter's sound, and admit the world of composition has moved on. Not only have they moved on, they laugh at thee. What's next? Will you be riding on cows and playing wild trombone glissandos while screaming intermittently, "Ja Wohl COW! EINS! MOO!?" How 'bout tubas on whales? You are dipping into Monty Python territory here, fellas.

I mean, even one of your own german fiddlers looks like he is about crack up.

There comes a time when a composer has to look at some totally original ideas and say, "nahhh. That's just dumb." You... have missed such a time.

City Sketches: Skyrockets In Flight

I just ate, no, devoured, no, stuffed my salivating kisser with the best lunch I've had in weeks: An extra long hot dog, slathered with spicy sauce and spicy mustard, all made with the tender care of Aziz, the vendor chef on the corner of Broadway and 69th.

I had just left the Barnes and Noble to study for the retake of the German Exam that I bombed by 10%, when the sizzling chicken and lamb called to me like fattening sirens. My whole body convulsed and surged towards the two men shoveling the glimmering meat and onions upon warm disks of pita bread. I reached the two appetite-pimps quickly and the order for the Pita and Chicken left my mouth in a mumbling trance. Then, I saw them: Four hot dogs, warming on a side burner, crying for a bun. "Stop that pita order pilgrim,” said I. "Give me one of those Hot Dogs before I start to cry."

A block later, hot dog half devoured, I stepped into one of the local corner Krusty Marts, and perused the drinks for the perfect counterpoint to the hot dog melody that was enrapturing my senses. (Cue John Denver "You Fill Up My Senses...") Feeling a tad guilty, I reached for the grape juice... (some sort of Baptist-Boy freudian thing there, no doubt) then I saw it. One of those old-timey, glass coke bottles. You know the ones that look like they were somehow transported from Floyd's barber shop on the Andy Griffith Show?

The dancing, digesting hot dog within me rumbled, "Take and drink... you fool!" So I did. And it was good. (Pausing my typing for another swig...) "Ahhhhhhhhhh."

As for now, (belch) I'm ridn' the rush. I'm surfing the sugar-starch wave. I'm seeing in Technicolor little chiren. And I'm spending it all on you, dear friend. Because I know very soon, I'll be stricken with a strange and irresistible urge to take a nap, or throw up. So let my words be few... readers, this here blog, it buds for you.

What's your guilty pleasure?