Friday, October 24, 2008

Six Tips for Married Men Who Like Donuts

It's no secret that when men get married they tend to balloon. Yes, before we marry, we spend hours upon hours on the tread-mill in preparation for the big naked-night. Some of us even resorted to near-starvation and massive amounts of caffeine.

If you think about it, this was really an unfair representation of who we really are to our wives-to-be, and when the ring slipped on the true-eating commenced. So, for those of you not blessed with the metabolism of a ferret on crack, (my brother-in-law, Eric, curse his perfect genes,) here are a few tips to keeping your weight down to a place where it won't swallow your underoos.

Let it be said, that when I'm talking about weight, I'm really talking about being healthy. Your weight will go to the right place for you if you are being healthy. That varies from person to person. Some people keep a more robust weight than others and can't really help it, nor should they. Some people can help it but are happy-as-can-be with their magnificent figure. This is not for those people. For those of us that struggle with vanity and glory, and can see the heart-attack station just over the horizon, these five tips just might aid you in your quest.

1. First, don't buy a bigger size of pants. Don't do it. When the pant-waste starts cutting off circulation to your legs, take action. (see steps 3-6)

2. Wash your pants weekly. The pants can be a deceptive thing. They do stretch and will keep stretching. If you wash them, it keeps you honest, not to mention keeps you smelling fresh and clean. The neighbor dog's nose will also be a whole lot less attracted to the incubators-for-future-kings.

3. Move around. Simple but hard to do. Especially if you live in a place like Houston, where the heat kills several old people per day. Find a park, a street, a treadmill, and take a walk. Get sweaty. Sweat good for you. Woman like. 20 minutes, before you eat, or after you eat.

4. Eat more Fiber. (Especially in the morning.) It's too bad that fiber doesn't taste better. Most fiber serials taste like gravel, no matter how many pretty berries they throw in the bowl on the box cover. And what dude really has fresh cranberries on hand? I've tried, but somehow, as soon as I put the cranberries or blackberries or strawberries in my fridge, the seem to flourish with mold. However, there are a few things out there that keep the subways clear that don't taste like you opened your mouth on a dusty road after a tractor has passed. Activia Cherry with one packet of Splenda is pretty yummy, and Fiber One has made great advances in adding large amounts of sugar to the digestive dirt that we call Fiber.

5. Try not to eat any sort of bread or pasta or cereal that does not have a bunch of fiber in it. I know, I just said Fiber, but it is of the utmost importance that Fiber is your friend. If you up your Fiber, you'll feel better, and you lower your risk of Colon cancer by a percentage that I'm too lazy to look up, but it's a bunch.

6. Cut your Sugar intake. Notice I didn't say "destroy sugar." That's unrealistic and will only lead to a ferocious, bestial devouring of several pounds of cheesecake. Much of this will be solved by eating more Fiber (Wheat Bread instead of White Bread, Asparagus over Mashed Potatoes, Wheat noodles over white noodles, ask for the wheat bread on your Chick-Fil-A sandwich... you get the picture.) However, sugar seeps into our diets in a billion different ways. I don't think I need to list the ways, but why not pull pack the curtain and pile on the guilt: Donuts, Starbucks-chick-drinks, Bagels, Lucky Charms, Coke... blah blah. You don't have to cut it all out, just do half Diet Coke and half regular Coke. Take nuts and berries to the theater. It's cheaper anyways. (I actually throw a packet of splenda in the half-and-half mix. Might sound gross, but it sweetens it up and takes off the crappy diet aftertaste.)

So there you have it. Some practical man-diet stuff. In summary: Wash your clothes, eat more Fiber, A LOT more fiber, cut the sugar, and get that fat jiggly arse moving around, at least once a day. And, no, a trip to the cold-throne or fridge doesn't count as movement.


Seth Ward said...

A few important supplements:

1. Drink a glass of water before you eat. You'll eat less and drink less of the sugar drink that you just ordered.
2. Drink a cup of coffee in the morning. Coffee gets the metabolism going and it is a natural diarrhetic.
3. Take the stairs instead of the escalator or elevator.
4. Eat half your meal, pause to talk to your spouse, if you're still hungry eat a little more.

Feel free to add to the list!

Baca's Head said...

I think you forgot something, Seth:

...ah hmm...


Chaotic Hammer said...

You're right about the fiber Seth, but neither the wife nor I can eat any of those "high fiber" foods. She bought a box of fiber something-or-other snack bars. I called them Fart Bars. She ate a couple and agreed, we gave them away. Same thing with all the fiber cereals. I love cereal, eat it every day for breakfast, but the "high fiber" variations upset my stomach all day long.

But the good news there is another way to get lots of fiber in your diet. Fruit and raw veggies. Now this we do often, and we consider it a great alternative. Lots of garden salad, and at least a couple of fruit servings a day. Stuff like home made trail mix is pretty good too.

Finally, your #2 from the first comment above -- hilarious! I can never tell when you're kidding and when you're not, but this:

Coffee gets the metabolism going and it is a natural diarrhetic.

Is the funniest thing, like, ever. That's exactly why I can't and don't drink coffee. Because for me, it's a diarrhetic. But I think what you meant was diuretic.

Seth Ward said...

Darn you C-ham! Here's what's funny. I typed that comment and for the life of me couldn't spell the darn thing right. So, being the OCD man, I spent 20 minutes trying to solve the mystery. What I found was the real spelling (the one you provided) and that it is really about pee. Then I found the urban spelling and that people have been using it wrong for so long that some (bad) health gurus have even used it improperly.

So I thought it was funny looking, the urban spelling, and opted for it over laxative. (the word I used to finally find the real spelling.) The real reason for using that spelling was to see if I was the only one around here who had been misusing the term... and DANGIT all! Now everybody is going to be all, "oh yeah, i new it was diuretic all the time... pshaw." ;-)

Oh well... I think diarrhetic is funny, all the same.

Becky said...

No worries, Seth. At least in my experience, coffee tends to be more of a diarrhetic than a diuretic anyway.