If there is a purgatory, the Dentist is the closest thing we have to prepare us. In all fariness, the Dentist I saw today is the BEST dentist I have EVER been to. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't no pina coloda on the beach, but I doubt there was a thing that they could have done today to make my visit more comfortable. They put these "movie glasses" on me, (no kiddn') and I watched the entire 1st Harry Potter movie while he filled my NINE cavities on just ONE SIDE of my mouth. That's right people. 9 Cavities. One side. Both sides combined I have a whopping 16 cavities. You'd think that I live in England in the 4th century. Who gets nine cavities? Lets see... Meth addicts, People stranded on desert Islands,...and people who eat Jolly Ranchers for breakfast lunch and dinner. I mean, last time I checked my teeth they didn't look like a litter of Dalmatians?? Come to find out, the reason I never noticed the colony of cavities who invaded my teeth, is because when they are in the first stages, they are invisible. They have a cloaking device. They are like Klingon Birds of Prey. Dammit Jim! So that's what they are doing when they start poking your teeth on your check-ups - feeling for soft spots which tells them if you've got a cavity a' brewin'. The reason for the sheer volume? It is a genetic thing. Cavities run in the fam. Thanks Pop. To top it all off, Dr. Rayburn (as far as dentists go, he is Yoda) decided that he could just save some time and money and yank that one wisdom tooth that is showing because it has a doosey of a cavity. At first I thought he was joking. So I kind of mumbled a mouth-gaping chuckle. Then I realized the seriousness of the situation from the dead air and the missing reciprocated chuckle.
I reluctantly gave him a fakely confident "thumbs up" sign and then mumbled a fake-calm question that sounded something like "AOR DARRRAAA NAUUUUUU IIIIIII???" I waited for an answer and instead...he began to let out a slow... evil laugh, then the laugh turned into a sinister cackle. "HAHAHAHAHA!!!! NOT THIS TIME POTTER!!!" I then realized it was Lord Voldemort in the movie I was watching through my goggles and not the Doctor answering. However, the damage to my psyche was done.
The Doctor then began to kindly tell me that I "probably won't even notice much when I pull your tooth." Somehow I did not believe him in the slightest and I began the slow ass-walking-in-the-chair-thing that takes place when you begin to get ultra-nervous anticipating great pain. And for some reason the sentence with "pull your tooth" and "you won't notice" sounded like something I heard long ago as a seven-year-old boy right before my dad slammed the door connected to a string connected to my loose tooth. And we wonder why we no longer have the faith of little children...
Not only is Dr. Rayburn Yoda, he is apparently Honest Abe as well. He was right. If he wouldn't have asked me and just yanked it out, I wouldn't have noticed...until later of course when the numbness wore off and I started noticing an abnormal flow of blood coming from my back teeth.
So here I sit people. 9 fillings heavier and one Wisdom tooth lighter. I think I be up for a little reward tonight. Lord of the Rings and some pizza sounds about right.
17 comments:
BTW Klingon Birds of Prey are starships found in the world of Star Trek. No further explanation will be given. Thank you.
Better be carefull, Seth. You're mixing two inherently incompatible Sci-Fi realms in one post. I know people from both the Star Trek and Star Wars camps that would hit you with a phaser on maximum and use the force to rip those fillings out if they caught you overlaping the two.
Just a little friendly warning.
You're going to hate me.
I haven't had a new cavity since I was about twelve.
My math puts that at 25 years.
My Uncle Mark was raised on the wrong side of the tracks in Butte, MT. He went to school with
Evil Knievel, the motorcycle daredevil. My Uncle later became a dentist to support his seven siblings after his Irish Dad passed away. He always looked after my teeth and going to the dentist was never a problem. Uncle Mark had the coolest dental office you've ever seen! A huge aquarium out in the lobby, carpeted walls and plush shag carpeting in other rooms. Your movie glasses sound like something he might have offered if they'd been available back in that day. He retired when he was 44 and sailed around the world with my Aunt. So I was then forced to find a new dentist. Going to the dentist has become a tooth pulling experience for me ever since. The dental staff is just so rude, telling me I don't brush right, floss enough, eat to much sugar.... To be a glutton for punishment I shedule one semi-annual appointment on my birthday!
Peace of Christ,
Shelley McGregor
Euphrony, Yeah, I don't usually do that, but you are talking to one of the few people that is a fan of both worlds. More Star Wars than Star Trek but still, if I weren't still a bit sedated when writing this blog, that wouldn't have happened.
Lexie.
Once again, not fair. However, pride goeth beforeth the falleth. So watch out. Dentures may be right around the corner.
Shelley, What a cool life your Uncle lived. Could be a book.
My last dentist was like that. In fact it was after my last cleaning with my FORMER dentist that I decided that I could do better. Just a routine teeth cleaning and I had to take 6 advil for the friggin pain. Come to find out, they also put a crown in my mouth that would fit better in a horse. My new Dentist showed me a picture of my mouth and it was amazing to see this HUGE tooth (luckily not visible unless you look directly into it) just bunched up in with a bunch of normal teeth.
If anything gets me, it will be my teeth grinding. The dentist keeps trying to get me to wear a night guard.
But for now, picture me giving you a big, toothy grin...
I haven't been to the dentist since I last had dental insurance. That would be my parents dental insurance. That would be about 6 years ago. I'm skeered. Wacko, (the place not the adjective), dentists don't have cool 3-D goggle things. I'm lucky if they have soap at their sinks. I'm almost happier in cavity-filled ignorance.
But now, dammit, one of my good friends and her husband have moved to town. Her husband the dentist. So now, not only am I out of excuses for not going, no matter how it goes, for the sake of friendship I have to say that it went great.
As for your cavitied head, for the love of cake, what do you do man? Do you eat sugar by the handfull? Do you gargle with soda five times a day? Do you put syrup on everything???
okay, you just made my C2 coke taste really bad and it feels really yucko in my mouth now.
gotta go make a dentist appointment.
i don't know why i am worried though since...I HAVE NEVER HAD A CAVITY!!! heee..hee...hee.
all good genes here.
am currently knocking on wood.
Are you serious???? not one????? I guess I won the jackpot in the cavity lottery in my fam. I mean, I know FOR SURE that mom and dad had them and have them. What the heck. Seriously, I brush my teeth, 2-3 times a day, I floss (not a whole lot but hey) and as I said before, I don't eat Jolly Ranchers for breakfast lunch or dinner. Mystery.
Do you crunch ice? If you do, it will eventually put hairline cracks in your enamel and cause more cavities.
That happened to The Chief. He was warned when he was about 26. The dentist said, "You have a great set of teeth, but do you crunch ice?" When The Chief told him he did, he said for him to quit or it would do just what I described above.
15 years, four crowns and thousands of dollars later, The Chief is STILL crunching ice. Oh, well.
I DO CRUNCH ICE!!!!! Well no more. When I have anything with ice, no matter what the size, I will crunch that sucker down to the last drop and not even notice. Hmmm..
Thanks for the tip Lexy.
I just found out that people with Bulimia suffer the same problems. Well, we can safetly put that notion to rest as well.
Cracking ice and being bulimic are two entirely different problems, of course, but each does the same damage to your teeth by breaking down the enamel.
Did I ever mention I would have loved to have been a dental hygenist?
I teach piano to the cutest 6 year old ever. She told me just last week that she had just gone to a dentist appointment, but it was a good dentist appointment because she had "NO CABATIES." (pronouned as spelled)
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