Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Ultimate Anti-terrorism Weapon. (If I were in charge)

Aziz looked at his warring comrade. “This will be a good day Rahim. God will be pleased and offer us many Virgins…”

“Yes YESSS Aziz” Rahim said with a wild lust in his eyes. God will reward our vigilance with at least 100 virgins.”

The two men sat poised as their eyes darted back and forth, studying the enemy barracks.

All seemed calm in the hive of infidels. The very sight of them was a fingernail down the chalkboard to their hearts that burned with hatred. Every laugh from the foreign soldier was a spear into their souls that wished only to see their blood and taste the victory of the blinding light of bliss that awaited them on the other side.

Sweat began to break upon their brows. They could take it no longer.

“Now is the time Aziz. NOW!!!!”

Dust exploded from the vigorous jumps. Their legs surged with adrenaline and pushed them upright and into an instant sprint. It was like they had been reborn from the womb that was their hidden foxhole near their enemy’s camp.

Before Aziz and Rahim could finish their cries “God is Great!!!” Two flashing rays burst from the sky above and Aziz and Rahim were transported to a nether-dimension.

Light blinded them, then brilliant colors and they seemed to be… floating.

“But I don’t remember firing a shot” Rahim thought… “Where are Virgins???” he cried suspiciously to himself and Aziz.

Without warning they felt big invisible hands begin to tickle them. If there is such thing as angry laughter, they were experiencing it. They were surrounded by giant hills of what appeared to be pink candy. Trees of licorice and jellybeans. Rivers of swirling white and dark chocolate, mountains and mountains of coconut crusted creampuffs. Their eyes bulged in unquenched-anger and fascination…

“What sort of Devilry is this!!!!”? Aziz yelled. His first instinct was to fire his weapon, in hopes of breaking the spell. “AAAAALLLAAAAHHHH!!! He cried as he brandished his machine-gun weapon, still weightless and pulled on the now-spongy trigger. To his amazement only big puffs of cotton candy came out the end of his rifle with the sound of “fomp, fomp, fomp.” The last “fomp” was accompanied with a small flag popping out of the end of his rifle that simply said “BANG!”

Rahim fared no better. He violently ripped opened his shirt, popping buttons into the zero-gravity and then desperately pulled the string attached to the bombs that he had earlier taped to his brown flesh. When he pulled the string and screamed his cry of Jihad he was greeted by the flagellating sound of a whoopee cushion and soon, what seemed to be fruit punch started leaking from the pouches that were supposed to be filled with explosives. The big drops of punch drifted along with Rahim and his buttons into the air. Great drops of red and purple liquid. Every time he opened his mouth to cry out in anger a drop of this punch would be sucked into his mouth and he would be forced to swallow. He could not help but find this refreshing.

This was too much for Aziz to comprehend. “We have failed Muhammad! Now God is punishing us and we are in Hell!!!!” To this Rahim and Aziz were greeted with sound of sweet laughter. It sounded like a hundred fairies laughing and soothing the harshest fear. They began to want to laugh themselves. Suddenly their nostrils were filled with the smell of a fine dinner. Their stomachs twirled and minds reeled in hunger. A door seemed to open from the blue sky and Aziz and Muhammad were acutely aware of their hunger. Waiting in the desert for days, fasting had left them extremely hungry and thirsty.

Their eyes widened as they neared the door. With one small “pop” the rifles they had been holding now turned into strings connected to a small flock of cartoon sparrows singing in perfect harmony, Mozart’s Haffner Symphony. The birds pulled them closer and closer to the door. They saw in the room a table that was covered with the most amazing food imaginable.

From behind the door came a large man in a white robe. This man was none other than Ronald McDonald. “Come on in fellas, and have a feast prepared for you.” Ronald said and then burst into a perfect Triple Axel. He was skating on a see of frozen Raspberry Sorbet.

“I don’t want your pagan SATANIC FEAST YOU CLOWN OF THE DEVIL!!!” Aziz yelled.

Rahim hadn’t heard the McDonald comment and was busy trying to make his floating go faster towards the food...

Rahim began to fight against the birds. The music from the birds began to crescendo. The Mozart was turning into an atonal cluster. Rahim tried to close his ears. The music was now deafening.


"Rahim wake up. Rahim! we need to open the doors. Quickly now."

"CLOWN OF DEVIL!!!" Rahim yelled and stumbled back three feet from the counter of his store.

"Goodness gracious Rahim, What did you call me??? There are people waiting child. And what do you want me to do with these brochures about ...flying school or some nonsense? Are you going to leave me here to run this store all by myself to learn how to .... Crop Dust??? What is this nonsense my little camel."

"Just throw them away grandmother." Rahim said slurring his speech.

"Ohh... I have a terrible hunger pain in my belly. Rahim moaned. Maybe across the street you could walk and get me an... Egg McMuffin."

"What?? An Egg McMuffin??? Have you been smoking that marijuana grass again. If your father was alive... oh mine Got." His Grandmother said as she began to examine his face by grabbing it with one hand and bringing her good eye closer.

"I am sorry grandmama I am just ... never-mind." He gently moved away.

"Have you said your Prayers today Rahim???"

Rahim's Grandmother's voice seemed to trail off in the distance. Rahim was waking up and staring out the window now, across the street to the McDonalds he had always detested with a deep hatred.

He glared through the window, ignoring his grandmother's ongoing lecture and looked suspiciously into the eyes of the Ronald McDonald statue. It was time for an Egg McMuffin. Time to make peace with the clown. He took another look at the smiling Ronald through the many window panes separting them.

For a brief moment, he swore the smiling clown... winked.

Somewhere under the Arizona desert, in a smoke-filled room two men in military unforms looked over the shoulder of a young inventor/idealist.

"I don't know Drake. What do you think?" The larger and more important military man said with cigar still in his teeth.

"Looks kind of shaky to me. I mean he did tell the old lady to throw the brochures in the can..." The shorter, less decorated man said gruffly.

"We'll keep an eye on him for a few months and if there seems to be real progress... We'll breif the President."

They stood still. All three reflecting the scene from the store in their glasses. Smoke trailed into a vent in the back of the dark room lit only by the wall-sized computer moniter and few other important-looking blinking lights.

The young inventor pressed the "Save As" button and typed in the words...

"Project Ronald/Rahim Rehab" and clicked back to his game of Solitaire.


euphrony said...

When you write yourself into a corner don't expect your blogging buddies to come fish you out. You lost me at the cotton candy gunshots.

Seth Ward said...


Chaotic Hammer said...

Wow. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

(I do have a small correction. In the 14th paragraph, "Aziz and Muhammad" should be "Aziz and Rahim".)

Seth Ward said...

Come on... am I the only one interested in a non-violent-wili-wonka-fantasy-alternative to dealing with terrorists?

How bout this. You guys just give me suggestions and I'll do the writing work. Cach already emailed me a good one before I changed my original ending and made it corporate.

"you could make it so that greasy McD's food was all there was to eat. That's bad enough. Then when they decide it's either that or nothing and start to go after it, it is always somehow just out of reach. Or their fingers can't close around it because of all the grease. And maybe it's actually made of pork. I don't know. But give it a bit more finality. More of an ending. You think?"

-The Cachinator

Seth Ward said...

Okay, so I think I've got a good one for now. Thanks to Cach the only brave and helpful soul.