Friday, October 13, 2006

Patience and Gasssss Pumps

I just love gas pumps. The genius... I am convinced that they install the fastest computers in the world to operate these wonderful dot-matrix machines.

Me: "okay, 87 octane, still friggin expensive. Thank you George. Press 87 button."

Gas pump: "Hello, would you like a carwash?"

Me: "No, (trying to maintain patience) I just want some gas." Punch button again.

Nothing happens. I now try to find the stupid "no" button. I find it; it looks like it has been punched 1256048 times by very sharp objects. Question disappears from screen. Letter by letter.

Gas pump: "Would you like a reciept?"

Me: "No"

Gas pump: "Any Coffee?"

Me: "NOOOOoooo. My car runs on gas, not your crappy 2-day-old coffee. I don't want a 3-day-old wiener either. Just give me my gassssssssss." Punching the gas pump "no" button now with my key realizing why it looks so thrashed.

Gas pump: Would you like a reciept?

Me: No

Gas pump: Car Wash?

Me: "No" Now I am grinding my key as I punch the button.

Gas pump: "Credit or Debit?"

Now this presents an intersting dilema. If'n I say, "debit" then I'm a gonna be punching more. Punching more bad.

Me: "Credit"

Gas pump: "please enter your zip code."

Me: "rrrrrRRRRRAHAAAAAAHAHHAHA!!!!" I shake the gas pump in my hand and growl, making a small scene. I notice my wife laughing her can off at me in the side mirror.

I regain composure and slowly punch the zip code in knowing that if I mess up I will be taking 5 more minutes of my oh-so-precious time to explain to whatever nimrod-barely-speaking-english-but-still-american-toothless-wonder-of-a-goofus operating the cash register (when they are not in the back smoking doobies) that I just want gas and if you don't give me some I will be forced to mail the longest letter to the SWEET manager of this establishment which will ultimately serve as much purpose as a rear-hole on an elbow.

Zip code entered. Pause...

Gas pump: "Sorry, please see attendant."

I am now at the point of eruption. My eye begins to twitch. I have wild fantasies of taking a sledgehammer to the nearest trashcan because smashing the pump would only kill everyone around including me. "Trashcan is much safer...but yet still makes a strong statement of anger for the genius who installed or designed the "gas pump computer"

I mean, it is not like they don't have enough money... Wars are being fought over this substance and they cannot install machines that make the process more expeditious and help you forget that you are supporting violence, polluting the environment and probably starving some poor kid somewhere, not to mention draining your wallet flat as a New York pancake.

So in summary, I have decided that gas pump computers were designed by devil worshipers. They worship Satan and want all to loose their tempers and do satanic things.

Tonight I will be praying for these evil, evil men and dream of striking oil in my back yard and operating all of MY gas pumps with Macintosh computers while playing Keith Green over the loudspeakers. Amen.


Anonymous said...

I've almost sold my car simply for running out of gas. I hate gas stations.

We need Jesus pumps....

Lexie Ward said...

Sounds like you go to Kum and Go or Seven Eleven. I don't have any of these problems at my local QT. And the coffee is always fresh...

Quik Trips should be standard in every US city, I'm convinced.

Kat said...


I wish I could relate, but my sweet husband always fills up the car before it even gets close to being empty. I literally have gone months at a time without having to fill the gas tank.

Seth Ward said...

Jesus pumps would rule.

Lexie, Don't you think that Kum and Go is the WORST POSSIBLE NAME that you could name a convenient store??? I don't go there just because the name irritates me.

Kat, as far as the gas goes, I try to do the same for my wife. She will pretty much let it go to fumes before she puts in an ounce. It worries the crud out of me.

Tan Truong said...

Did I ever tell about the time I drove off and forgot the nozzle was still in the car? I can say that it was pretty frightening to hear the sound of a gas hose getting snapped out of it's safety release! ADD and gas pumps don't mix!

operamama said... a virtue...this reminds me of the time when your temper flared at the local grocery store over whether to buy rice-a-roni from a box or a canister. i don't think i've ever seen you that mad.

Reijn of the Elfin Muse said...

oh do i lothe finding the cheepest station in town, and once i found is across from campus so the gas i just bought is mostly gone by the time i get home. What i hate most is when the pump is working but the computer is out so you have to drive around the entire station to get to another pump and use that one to pay. Then a homeless meth addict comes asking for money, and as a poor college student you have no money to begin're already streatched by just getting gas.

I hate gas...i think the human race just needs wings and learn how to fly.

Lexie Ward said...

Yes, Seth, I don't know what kind of idiot thought Kum and Go was a good name. They lost my business after that as well.

Probably the same people who put Little Richard on the Geico commercials.

Lexie Ward said...

BTW, did you ever go check out the Star Wars You Tube parody by Wierd Al?

Seth Ward said...

No I did not. What is the link?