I just love gas pumps. The genius... I am convinced that they install the fastest computers in the world to operate these wonderful dot-matrix machines.
Me: "okay, 87 octane, still friggin expensive. Thank you George. Press 87 button."
Gas pump: "Hello, would you like a carwash?"
Me: "No, (trying to maintain patience) I just want some gas." Punch button again.
Nothing happens. I now try to find the stupid "no" button. I find it; it looks like it has been punched 1256048 times by very sharp objects. Question disappears from screen. Letter by letter.
Gas pump: "Would you like a reciept?"
Gas pump: "Any Coffee?"
Me: "NOOOOoooo. My car runs on gas, not your crappy 2-day-old coffee. I don't want a 3-day-old wiener either. Just give me my gassssssssss." Punching the gas pump "no" button now with my key realizing why it looks so thrashed.
Gas pump: Would you like a reciept?
Gas pump: Car Wash?
Me: "No" Now I am grinding my key as I punch the button.
Gas pump: "Credit or Debit?"
Now this presents an intersting dilema. If'n I say, "debit" then I'm a gonna be punching more. Punching more bad.
Gas pump: "please enter your zip code."
Me: "rrrrrRRRRRAHAAAAAAHAHHAHA!!!!" I shake the gas pump in my hand and growl, making a small scene. I notice my wife laughing her can off at me in the side mirror.
I regain composure and slowly punch the zip code in knowing that if I mess up I will be taking 5 more minutes of my oh-so-precious time to explain to whatever nimrod-barely-speaking-english-but-still-american-toothless-wonder-of-a-goofus operating the cash register (when they are not in the back smoking doobies) that I just want gas and if you don't give me some I will be forced to mail the longest letter to the SWEET manager of this establishment which will ultimately serve as much purpose as a rear-hole on an elbow.
Zip code entered. Pause...
Gas pump: "Sorry, please see attendant."
I am now at the point of eruption. My eye begins to twitch. I have wild fantasies of taking a sledgehammer to the nearest trashcan because smashing the pump would only kill everyone around including me. "Trashcan is much safer...but yet still makes a strong statement of anger for the genius who installed or designed the "gas pump computer"
I mean, it is not like they don't have enough money... Wars are being fought over this substance and they cannot install machines that make the process more expeditious and help you forget that you are supporting violence, polluting the environment and probably starving some poor kid somewhere, not to mention draining your wallet flat as a New York pancake.
So in summary, I have decided that gas pump computers were designed by devil worshipers. They worship Satan and want all to loose their tempers and do satanic things.
Tonight I will be praying for these evil, evil men and dream of striking oil in my back yard and operating all of MY gas pumps with Macintosh computers while playing Keith Green over the loudspeakers. Amen.