Thursday, October 05, 2006

Stuck in the Middle.

Guys I gotta tell you... I am feeling mentally dry. Dry as a bone licked by the tongues of a thousand salty camels in the Sahara. (?) I don't think I have been in this place before. The strangest part about it is that I don't quite "feeeeel" dry. As a matter of fact, my mind is pretty much working overtime. I can't quite sleep at night. I sleep for about three hours and I wake up and can't go back to sleep. Usually these types of scenarios are accompanied by huge quantities of music and creative energy. Instead they are filled with staring at blank staff paper and plunking on the piano or guitar with a dead stare on my face. It is like I feel stale but vibrant, almost like that syndrome where you wake up but you can't move.

Part of this could be because Amber and I are at a big transitional phase in our lives. We don't work for the Church any longer which I must admit, is incredibly freeing, but it still "feeeeeels" like we kinda do. Sorta like when I went to college I used to sit up on the edge of my bed when I thought I heard my dad come down the hall. It took me a while to taste the freedom of sleeping in to its full savory splendor.

I did orchestrate a big chunk of the Kyrie from the rock/folk mass I am writing and that was fun but other than that, I am feeling like a big smelly trash bag. Its there, it has lots of presence but it pretty much needs to be... Now see, I can't even come up with an effective analogy that delivers the slightest scintillia of a resemblance to anything pertinent to dilemma I have found myself in. And yes, I love ending sentences with prepositions underneath.

I think it also has to do with my birthday approaching. I looked in the rear-view mirror today driving back from teaching class at Rice and saw two great big grey hairs in my beard. There they were, bigger than life, gleaming in the light like two neon flares, shot in the night sky of fate to remind me that I have not yet figured out what I want to be when I grow up. It is not that I am lazy, I work. All the time. It is that I just want to do so many different things. Like whining. I love to whine. Just like I am doing now. One should get paid for pity parties. So here I am. About to be... Thirty-mefissledissle..mumble *cough* on Halloween and I am already in a mid-life crisis.


Maybe I'll get some sleep tonight for once. That might help.


Seth Ward said...

Just read Dr. Groves's blog. It seems the insomnia thing is going around.

Reijn of the Elfin Muse said...

try getting an english book. Honestly, i couldn't get past the bad grammar, strange similes, and horrid prepositions: "seth can write good...seth has no sence of ranting structer...underneath"

Honestly, i have felt that way before too. I know I know i'm young..sue me. Point being, my experiance has been that, its because of reflective transition in life. There are changes going on, and you are now noticing them and comming to terms with them. Also, you are starting to notice other areas in your life that are morphing...whether these new bumps and curves are good or not...that's for you to figure out. For me, its comming to terms with the shashimi/sushi in front of it food? or is it fish bate?

(seeeeee...i can be seth too, and use lots and lots of analogies and similes!)

Chaotic Hammer said...

I've had a bit of the insomnia thing that you and Shaun (and apparently other people) are having, too.

I think it's the changing seasons. My wife has been on her "manic" phase lately (she's not on medication or under a doctor's care or anything like that, but she has always had strong seasonal mood swings). So you could say, it's "something in the air", and maybe be literally correct.

Think about it. Summertime is over -- the long lazy days, the constant heat and fun activities. There's a chill starting to take hold in the air (especially at night), and the leaves are starting to change (well, here in Tennessee they are), and the days will soon be much shorter, and more cloudy and cold, and a blustery northern wind will rule the skies for a season.

Have you ever heard U2's "October"? Maybe this would be a good time to pull it out and listen to it.

Anonymous said...

Count me in on the insomnia/transition/spinning-my-wheels thing. Maybe we all need to collaborate on a project to get some juices flowing.