I'VE DONE IT!!!! The secret is out ladies, or should I say, MASTER!!!!!
I have discovered the ever elusive "chain" that one refers to when the ancients spake of the "ball and chain" (el ballius chanus) It took me a while to unravel this mystery but finally through much prayer and discernment I have ascertained the truth of the enigma that is the "chain"..... The purse.
That's right the purse. I wish I could claim my intellect and keen deduction skills as the barer of this truth but alas, I cannot. I stumbled upon it just as Alexander Fleming discovered Penicillin, by accident. It was so SIMPLE!!!! ... Yet...So......Powerful. I don't know why I have never seen it before.
I will tell you the tale of discovery if you are ready for the truth.
We (my wife and I) were eating at the "Sweet Tomato" tonight and I had just finished a round of made-from-scratch pepperoni pizza. Wanting more I swallow my last bite of tasty pizza bliss and prepared to get up for round 3. "I need to beat the chubby kid in the table next to me. We have both been eating our pizza and eyeing each others progress from the start" I quietly thought.
As I was casting a triumphant smirk to the portly toddler and ready to move, to my surprise, my wife was already stealthily sliding out of the booth.
"Don't go anywhere" she said in a hypnotic mono-tone.
As I looked her in the eyes she said,
"my purse is here and I need you to watch it."
Slightly confused by the scenario I mumbled pathetically,
"but I'm hungry too"
Then she waved her hand in front of me not unlike the Jedi does when performing the "Jedi Mind Trick" and said,
"you don't NEED anything right now, you NEEED to watch my purse"
I found myself answering almost involuntarily
"sure honey, I NEED to watch your purse"
I sat there paralyzed. Hunger alone was my only source of sanity.
"I want food" my mind and tummy proclaimed.
"but the purse,...I must stay....the purse (cue echo effect)."
I began using my hunger-driven rationale.
"Well, I could just assert my will and go anyway," I thought.
"No, then if the purse was stolen I would be responsible"
Again I pondered,
"Well, I could just take the purse with me it is rather small."
But there again my shameless masculinity instinct would forbid such an action.
There I sat, in a relative state of frustration and stillness. I stared at the immobile purse and it stared from her seat back at me.
It was at this moment my friends, I had my "apostrophe"
I realize that I am chained. I cannot move. There is no alternative. I am aware now that the dangling bag that women carry around their shoulders is actually a very powerful tool of control. It is disguised by the fact that it serves some practical purposes. It even comes in fantastic colors matching the outfit of the female so as to camouflage and distract the weaker sex (men) from knowing its true and real purpose- Bondage.
So from this day forth, I do hereby begin my study of this tactic to develop a counter-attack.
I will brief all those who have ears to hear when I have formulated an effective counter-chain.
Until then... Beware.
(and feel free to offer your suggestions...)
18 comments:
I just came up with a BRILLIANT idea!!! I know it will be hard on the women out there, and is rather revolutionary and highly stressful and unusual for women to consider doing something like I am suggesting, but I'm going to throw it out there anyway. Ready???
"drum-roll"
Wives.. take your purses with you. I know that sometimes they are really tiny and it seems trivial. Or they might be hundreds of pounds and have wheels, either way, you took it with you. So take it with you. I think it's time we start randomly going to the bathroom and leaving our wallet behind and ask you to guard it with your life. Of course that wouldn't be fair either. You can hide a wallet, we can't hide your luggage... I mean purse.
Well, if we took our purses with us, we would have no way to keep you guys at the table, and then if you got up, the table would be free for the busser to come take everything away! And then the table would be up for grabs.
And you know that if we get up, y'all don't want to sit there by yourselves. You want to get up too, for some reason. And you know you do, or it wouldn't bother you so much that you have to watch the purse.
That old Jedi Mind trick won't work on me Fancypants. I've seen the light.
Well fancypants, sounds like a control move if ever I have heard one. Perhaps the purse is there because you need a sense of ownership. "This is mine, keep your curves and your purse away". Something like that. Maybe not, but let's see. Controlling a situation over a busboy? and whats the price? Less work. Hmmmmm sounds fishy.
Joey...you want to go home and...(wave of hand)...rethink your life.
when does this purse stage come into effect? For I have yet to see this jedi mastery amongst the people i spend my time with...
This is hilarious.
I've learned after many years not to even question The Purse. It's just there, it's mandatory. It serves so many wonderful purposes, it brings along so many necessities of life.
I have oft been ridiculed by the Carrier of The Purse because I can't carry a similar McGyver-like array of items on my person without looking gay, or doing some variation of the Man-Purse, like the little bag thing on the belt (which I refuse to do).
But what you say is true. Every time we go to a buffet to eat, or to a baseball game, or pretty much any event, I am appointed Keeper of The Purse, a sacred and chivalrous honor that ensures that I will always show due deference to She Who Carries The Purse.
He is too far gone men, there is no hope for him. He is borg. DON'T YOU SEEEEE!!!! She ridicules you because when you carry your own bag, it is a threat to her power!!! Break free my friend. (slaps you to wake you from your hypnosis)
Although, I do know what you are talking about with that non-gay-baggie thingy. My bro-in-law has one and it is pretty nifty.
ball and chain eh? What about bare-foot and pregnant? I think that after all we women do for you--like that lovely feeling of sitting in your pee pee because you were too lazy to raise the seat, cleaning up your messes, making your meals, endless encouragement and countless other things that i don't need to mention and probibly shouldn't---and we do these things to show our love, the least, least, least that you can do is sit there and be hungry for a few minutes and watch a purse. (that sounded bitter, but i am actually smirking because I know that i've got you on that one)
I HATE that feeling!
Guys, guys, guys... the answer to the Anti-Purse is obvious: her car. The oil doesn't change itself and God help her if it needs service. You tell her what to do, when to do it, and where to do it. That's not power? So maybe next time... it takes a bit longer. It needs a bit more work. It involves big words like carburetor, alternator, and air intake valve. The Anti-Purse.
Turnabout is fair play. Next time she tries to use those feminine wiles on you, just tell her, "These aren't the droids you're looking for."
NICE!
I think I have found the solution or solutions. However telling it here would only give ammo to my beautiful wife and would cause greater starvation at future eating engagements.
I will say that one of them will entail suppressing the masculine instinct and just pick up the purse and take it with me to the buffet line. This I will shamelessly try.
You could always maintain your dignity by telling anyone who looked at you funny that you're a purse-snatcher.
Okay, here is my suggestion to make both sexes happy. She gets up to go the buffet, you ask her to get you more food on her plate. That way, you can eat and the purse is kept safe. How does that sound?
Lindsey,
"these aren't the droids you are looking for"
hmmm. I can't tell if your suggestion is yet another brilliant decoy or tactic or mind trick offered as a truce, or if it is a peaceful solution and just might work.
Meditate upon this, I will.
Psstt...girls (whisper voice)...
The purse maneuver works at the grocery store, too! The "watch my purse" mind trick keeps THEM pushing the cart (there in lies your purse) everywhere while you go sample all the free food at the HEB! Try it, try it!
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