Friday, September 19, 2008

Ode to the Dachshund

I am sitting here for no other reason, except for the sheer strangle-hold that A.D.D. has over my consciousness, contemplating the creational merits of the dachshund. It is a queer and unfruitful being that God has created in this oddity of the K-9 world. One has to wonder why the Good Lord decided "and on this day, I shall create the dachshund, and he shall be called, affectionately, the wiener dog." (cue thunder, lightning and timpani trills.)

I do wonder what the Lord thought when he created that dog? Was He a tad sleepy?

God: *Omnipotent yawn* "Oh, what was I going to make today? Hmmm, the very long squash or some a kind of hound? Hmmmm, that might be interesting! And so it shall be created... (Again, the thunder and lightning.)

[*dachshund is created. God breaths life into the mess*]

First Dachsund: "Arf!"

God: "Gracious, that... wasn't quite as magnificent as it was one minute ago. Oh well."

Now, I know that God never makes a mistake, nor does he think twice about anything that he does... but sometimes, when you see things like the dachshund, or hear things like Britney Spears talk about politics, or ponder the suspicious joy running rampant on any given Japanese Game show... you have to wonder, does the Good Lord create while sleepy? However, I suppose someone could ask the same question about me. The Polaroid taken of my morning attire at this very moment might ruin my life in politics forever... Thank goodness that's out of the question. (Picture or politics.)

I can't think of anything more strange, bizarre, or un-aesthetically pleasing, (other than the male reproductive organs) on God's green earth. However, like the male reproductive organs, the dachshund serves a greater purpose in this big beautiful world. He/she brings pleasure to their master's already-bizarre world-view just as the man brings children, and every-once-in-a-while, physical pleasure to his wife. A final comparison: And like the male organ the dachshund cares not what the world thinks of him and acts entirely on its own behalf, sometimes to its detriment, yipping, carrying-on like a the worst of childish brats when it doesn't get enough attention... maybe it is a strange and cool irony that they share the same informal moniker.

Final note: I have yet to meet a dachshund owner that does not have strangeness in proportion themselves, whether mental or physical. Not to say that the dachshund owner is ugly, nay, many-a-cosmopolitan model has graced our street holding a rope that dangles off the collar of those little weird dogapillars. But I'm sure, upon further examination, one would easily find in them a "strangeness" that would equally match the oddity of the wiener hound.

That's all for now. As you were.


Becky said...

This post cracked me up. It's going on my blog.

SandinaJ said...

Seth, the few times I have been around you, I have been in the company of people with much more outgoing and argumentative personalities than mine and those that are much more knowledgeable about music and stuff that I know nothing about. That being said, I am normally a “reader” of your blog, but not a “commenter”…until now.

I own a dachshund named Lucy. She is a miniature and I like to refer to her as my “mini-weenie”. She weighs 7 pounds. I’ve had her since she was 6 weeks old and I bought her over 6 years ago. She is my baby.

I often wonder if people see her and me together and laugh.

Your wife and I have known each other since the 5th grade. You can ask her if I’m mentally or physically dis-proportionate. I would like to think that I am alright mentally, but physically is a different story. I like to use the nice words when describing myself physically: plump, chubby, chunky, and occasionally fat if I’ve eaten too much at Pancho’s. You know how they say that people look like their animals? Lucy and I look nothing alike...other than the fact that we're both short.

I am NOT offended by your blog. I find it humorous that you compare a dog breed to the male reproductive organs. My husband would be flattered if I compared his organ to our dog in size, but probably wouldn’t be happy if I referred to his organ as “mini-weenie”.

Seth Ward said...

Sandy, first of all, HA!

Second of all, about appearances, I stole that "strangeness in proportion" from a Francis Bacon line, (I think it was Bacon) who said, 'There is no excellent beauty without some strangeness in proportion." This, I believe, would apply to you or any other owner of a dachshund that I know. They are usually very interesting people and their choice of dog is indicative of that choice. From what I've heard about you and from I gathered from time we have been able to chat, I can honestly say that "excellent beauty" part can be applied to you as well!

I'm honored that you read my blog and that it brightened your day... sniff...

That being said, I know many, many people who own dachshunds, one of which is my lovely and brilliant sister. She owns 4 or 5... I lost track. (they sort of run together and produce a kind of optical illusion, preventing me from an accurate count. Maybe an innate defense mechanism?) Anyways, whenever I've been around these dogs I am always entertained and mystified. I've thought about owning one myself a few times but Amber's not having it. One christmas my sister brought her little babies to my mom and dad's house and one of them escaped into the snowy night. She recaptured it and I wrote a song about it: (You have to imagine a Lion King "be prepared" music to go with it.)

The chorus went something like this:

"So I ran like the wind
on a hot summer night
with the call of the wild in my mouth, "yipe"
I'm not yours to rule
I'm not yours to flog
but most of all
I'm noooot yoooooour wiener doooooooog!"

Hope you guys get to come to NYC sometimes, and feel free to bring your mini-weenie anytime.


Seth Ward said...

Becky, thanks for the prop!

I Enjoy your blog as well.

Michelle said...

The Duncans always owned Dachshunds. Hmmmmm...

Perhaps it's the German name that has beguiled you!

Seth Ward said...

Ha! So did the Tartars!

I wonder how old Chuck is doing?

Chaotic Hammer said...

A dog named Freud.

Bill Hensley said...

Strictly speaking, you can't blame dachshunds on God. Dog breeders are the ones who came up with this fine example of canine engineering.

Anonymous said...


This is "Chuck". We did own one dog when we were kids - it was more Kim's. Doing well - I keep tabs on you by reading your blog pretty frequently. Hope you're doing well.

See you when you're in Springburg.

Seth Ward said...


What the heck have you been up to???

I was just thinking the other day about that mission trip we took to Colorado. I was laughing about the time that you pummeled me one morning at breakfast when, just out of sheer meanness, I jabbed my heel into your toe...

Anonymous said...

Sorry for the time lapse - I don't remember the breakfast incident. I do remember the letter "C" - do you.