Saturday, May 19, 2007

Embarrassing Things You Might Miss By Not Subscribing

I am the biggest post-then-yank-the-post-because-what-I-posted-was-embarrassing blogger in the history of the bloggosphere. I am a stream of conscious writer and half the time I think that people think just as weirdly as I do. Some of you... well, you've got me out-weirded like Pee Wee Herman to the Beaver. But most of the time, I am usually glad that I yanked the post because of either the weirdoramma factor, the anger, or because of the pure, raw stupidity. But as I found out later to my horror, if you subscribe to the RSS feed, you get them no matter what. Here is an example of one that went into the "draft" world:

(Posted a long time ago in a blog far, far away...)

While we are discussing theological mysteries, let me bounce this one of ya'

First... (tapping fingers and slanting my eyes, debating whether or not to type the next paragraph) in the bloggin' world I think we are allowed at least one theologically crude and dumb rhetorical question per year. So here goes.

Will we go poo in heaven? I mean, have you ever thought about it? It's kinda how God designed us right? Or is going number 2 a product of the fall? You may think this to be the stupidest question that a thinking man could ask but I make a habit of surveying various Atheist blogs and these are the kinds of questions that Atheists are asking to stump the Christians! And stump them they do. (now you know you have wondered this too, no matter how trite and banal or even truistic the question might seem. Geeze.)

Just a simple question. So if you think you have a good answer, I would truly like to hear it. I do not think it a ...waste of time. (bud-dum-splash!!)

I do know one thing, if we are going to be "dropping the kids off at the pool" in heaven then I bet the bathrooms will be pretty darn clean. I mean, you don't have to worry about stopping at a gas station and finding a rat swimming in the toilet (like my sister did in East Texas one time) or some sort of fungus speaking French to you from the toilet lid (obviously there will be no gas stations in heaven because gasoline pumps are of the Devil, and Fungi rarely speak French but for the sake of the flow here...) because the gas station bathrooms in Heaven are going to be el-speck-and-spanno. Spotless. Maybe if there are tiers in heaven then you can bet that will be my job. Heaven-gas-station-bathroom-cleaner. As a matter of fact I'll probably get heaven-latrine-duty just for posting this on-the-edge-of-sacrilege-blog alone.

What can I say? I get weirder by the minute when my wife is away. Another plight and flaw in man.


The Stan said...

What's so wierd about it? These are important theological issues that need to be addressed!

I suppose it comes down to whether our heavenly bodies will be corporeal...or spiritual.

If spiritual, the answer is obvious. (Unless we'll be shitting little energy turds.)

If corporeal, then the next question is whether our bodies will be sustained by food, or something else. In other words, will we need to eat? And if so, will our bodies have the same physiology? Will we need undigestible fiber that will need to be excreted? Will we eat food that's not completely used up by the body? In other words, will the food we eat have waste by-products?

Unlike most Christians, I don't believe the answer lies in some obscure biblical passage that requires an active imagination (a.k.a. "God telling me") to interpret it.

Ultimately, there are things that are just unknowable until you experience it yourself...and I'm not in hurry to find out.

Seth Ward said...

Ladies and Gentlemen... I present Pee Wee.

Just kidding!

Actually, I was reading in Augustine's City of God and he talks about stuff like this. Eyesight, flesh, light...

Really cool stuff. I guess what is strange to me about this whole process is that it is "waste" material. However, God did create the body to function the way it is supposed to but I have to wonder if that function was a result of the fall.

MamasBoy said...

That's why I subscribe to the RSS feed... wouldn't want to miss out on pondering toilets in heaven.

As a related question, if Jesus ate food with his glorified body then did he take a crap after the resurrection too? I won't go into too much detail for fear of grossing readers out and because Stan and you covered the bases already.


Seth Ward said...

You jest, but that has crossed my mind.

It is a weird question but I think Christians should be able to answer any question with some kind of answer.

Strange enough, it is just the kind of thing that Atheists love to offer proof that its all hocus pocus ghost stories.

To them there is a hole in this kind silence. "Did God mess up? Is it waist? Do spirits eat? I thought you were going to have your bodies again. Do they have a digestive system? Or do you all just float around with Jesus all day long? Jesus said there will be a feast. What happens to the food when it is eaten?"

All questions I've been asked. At the core of it is the biological and evolution arguement. Did God create something that is imperfect?

I really think that Christians can do better than "thats a dumb question."

Even and answer like, "You know, thats a good question. I have really never thought about it. I guess there could be several answers."

Stephen and Haley said...

I really enjoy a good poo so I hope so. wait is that some thing I can share here?

btw after further consideration I started a second blog:

the other one is for family stuff and this one is where I will try to share some of my thoughts (with some degree of fear). let me know what you think.

Seth Ward said...

Loud and clear buddy. Many a novel read and song written in that chamber.

You know that Luther had his "Just shall live by faith alone" epiphany on the can.

About the blog. FINALLY.

I promise I won't sneak attack your other blog.

The Stan said...

I can't say I share you guy's enthusiasm for taking the Browns to the Super Bowl. To me, it's always been such a bother. I could do without it, personally.

But I think, Seth, that you're too concerned with trying to know all the answers to any "dumb" question anyone tries to ask for the sake of having a good answer. I think it's a mistake for Christians to feel like they have to have all the answers.

The fact is, we live in an imperfect world. Our knowledge is imperfect. There are many, many things that we just CANNOT know. And it's no shame to own up to it and say "that's interesting to think about, but I don't know. I don't think anyone knows, or can know."

So much of what we "know" about the afterlife is taken from obscure verses in the bible and can be interpreted many ways, both literally and figuratively. It's a mistake to think we even have an inkling of what it's going to be like after we die.

How the hell can anyone possibly know for sure whether we'll be taking a dump in heaven?

Anyone who pretends like they know all the details about heaven because "God showed them" some creative interpretation of some obscure verse in the bible is a fool. They're fooling themselves and they're fooling other fools.

And that, my friends, is one good reason why intelligent people often are not religious. I think atheists are making fun of you when they ask such questions. Christians like to feel they have all the answers. Atheists know they don't. So they have a grand old time confounding Christians with such minutia.

Super Churchlady said...

Seth - I'm afraid you're full of ....well...Super Churchlady would never say that word. But allow me (in true Super Churchlady form) to remind you of this scripture...ahem...

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Seth Ward said...

Now see, all these are good answers in my book.

And thank you church lady for not being judgmental. And as a matter of fact, I do not consider our bodily functions as "impure" Neither do I think "sex" is impure or things having to do with sex even though I don't go around talking about it all the time.

Aaron, I am not saying that we should have "the" answer to every question, no matter how smart or dumb. But "an" answer is better than ridicule to the non-believer asking it. Even if the answer is "I have no clue. Maybe, maybe not..." or even, “Why do you ask?”

And what the heck!!! You thought it was interesting and now you are calling it dumb???
-You Chickened out Science-man.

At this point, we should back up here and get some perspective...

My point for this blog is twofold:

1. This blog was meant to be mostly in jest. Funny. Ha ha. Yuck Yuck. The purpose was to show you, my friends, that if you subscribe to my blog feed you might find yourself shaking your head and having a hearty chuckle for blogs that I hastily posted then properly yanked. For me, this is usually embarrassing but for you, I see it at an advantage. You will have plenty of material to blackmail me with if ever you need something. This blog was the strangest of them, and I pulled it for a reason. Obviously, that reason was justified by the outcry.

2. However, since the turn of events in the comment section here went from "You are a funny and weird man," to "dumb question and anyone who asks it is dumb and impure." I have these thoughts to offer:

I do not consider this a very important theological question. I don't sit around and worry about it. BUT I have thought about it and strange as it may seem, I have been involved in at least 1 discussions in the last 6 months with an Agnostic where this silly question was brought up. (No coincidence that I randomly thought about it a few weeks before I had the conversation with this person.) And I'll tell you, this very brainy Med. student (taking my composition for non-majors course at Rice) expected me to slough it off and then right me off as a person who has no concept of science and that I don't believe that God is the God of science and that somehow religion and biology don't mix, therefore, I am crazy and they are sane.

That was NOT my answer and the conversation ended up to very interesting and humorous. He was even surprised to find out that Christians believe that they will have a new body someday that will not decay or become ill. A body that will be glorified and function in EVERY way to its original intended capacity.

But Stan, I do agree that we live in an imperfect world and that there is MUCH that we do not know and that is okay. But that does not mean that I do not or should have an opinion on those things. Even if that opinion is "you know, I don't know. I guess it could go both ways since God is capable of anything." Much better than "That is a stupid question. God doesn't think about such things..." Or even worse, quote bible scripture to them to admonish them like oh... say....
Philippians 4:8. HA!

They will be much less willing to listen to your spiritual reasoning because you can't take remotely seriously one of the most basic biological functions of a living organism. A simple question even, that they expect you to ignore and in doing so proove their point.

All that being said, I don't normally blog about such matters. But I don't think thinking about them is necessarily foolish. Who knows when someone might ask them? As long as the reason for having an answer or wanting one is pure, albeit, silly, strange and maybe a tad gross. (And keep in mind that my friends tend to be unbelieving weirdoes!)

"Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. 1 Peter 3:15"

"Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. 2 Timothy 2:15"

Seth Ward said...

Aaron, I forgot to address an excellent point you made:

"And that, my friends, is one good reason why intelligent people often are not religious. I think atheists are making fun of you when they ask such questions. Christians like to feel they have all the answers. Atheists know they don't. So they have a grand old time confounding Christians with such minutia."

In most cases, I would say you are right. That is their purpose. But mostly they are really looking for a belligerant attitude because you have no answer because you are a dumb religious bumkin that doesn't think.

My point again was not that you should attempt to answer things that you do not know anything about. But answering "I don't know... or even answering as you said: 'How the hell can anyone possibly know for sure whether we'll be taking a dump in heaven" is better than: "Dumb question and God doesn't care about that."

In the case of my conversation it came after he saw a book of mine "The Hidden Face Of God" followed by a series of questions concerning the Christian view of the human body and its biological functions. That question was partly in jest but that fact that I had even thought about it let him know that I at least think.

Again, this was meant to be a goofy post. And, I think that goal was acheived. In fact, it just keeps getting weirder by the second.


euphrony said...

Why should I care? Will the possible absence of #2 in heaven mean that I should enjoy is more here, or try to abstain from it since it is not heavenly? Pah! I've got bigger problems to worry over. Much bigger. And you tell your atheist friends I said so. Why should the finite (as everyone will agree we are) worry about knowing everything - most especially when it can have no impact on our daily lives, as we cannot stop this biological process?

euphrony said...

As a related question, though, will there be toilet paper in heaven, or will we all use bidets?

Discontented Refuge said...

The answer is:


That is all.

Seth Ward said...

You guys are seriously crackin me up!

The Stan said...

Woah, Seth, calm down, dude! I fully understand your original intentions of this post. And my initial post was, too, in jest.

My second post was NOT to call you dumb or just dismiss it as a dumb question.

You know me...the wierder the conversation the more interesting it is.

I was merely pointing out that I don't feel it is necessary to know the answer to this question in case a non-Christian asks. (It should be worthy of consideration on its own merit.)

This is sort of a pet-peeve of mine. Why do Christians feel like they have to have a definitive answer to everything?

That attitude extends to every area theology. Every denomination feels they have it right.

Many Christians even feel like they know better than the world's smartest scientists, because what scientists are telling them happens to conflict with their particular interpretation of the bible. (Copernicus and Galileo come to mind.)

It's an ignorant attitude. I'm NOT saying you have that attitude, Seth, because I know you don't. You're a heck of a lot more open-minded than a lot of Christians I know and that's one reason I consider you a close friend.

Seth Ward said...

Like I said, getting better by the second.

Don't sweat it brother. I didn't think you were saying that and it takes a lot more to get me riled up than that. The Internet is a poor conduit for discourse because it lacks tone of voice, facial expressions and the ability to make obscene gestures if you disagree. So that comment, written at 2 a.m., probably came off angry when it wasn't.

Again, I agree, we can be a bunch of hardheaded nincompoops- Unwilling to think and rethink because of fear. I get amazed sometimes when a Christian who knows little to zero about science gets into an argument with a scientist about science. I would be like someone that is almost tone-deaf arguing music theory with me. (However, sometimes these folks do thump upon truths now and then like a knuckle to a big bell in a quiet room, about the beauty of music that are usually accidental but remind me of some basic things that I might have forgotten.)

I agree that there have been plenty of times where church and science have conflicted, but I think that most would be VERY surprised at how closely Christian Theology works with Science. A Catholic Priest conceptualized Big Bang theory for instance. Aquinas and his 5 proofs work pretty darn spiffy with the laws of Physics.

So to me, it is not that they feel that they have to answer everything that bothers me; it is that they feel as though there answers must go against science. Which isn't true, most of the time in my opinion.

darin said...

my question is if God would have an outhouse - where would it be exactly?
thanks for addressing these issues