Saturday, June 30, 2007


There seems to be a growing number of Christian men who are revolting against their desire to own this beauty. I am revolting against that revolt. When my Verizon plan expires it shall be called: "Mine."

A short and brilliant poem for the iphone.


"The iphone
I will own."

Thank you, thank you.

No, don't try it. No amount of guilt will deter me from this. I know all the problems of the world and I know how much they cost and I know that my Razr works just fine and I know that I don't really neeeeeeeed an iPhone like I neeeeeeed the Lord but ye without a DVD player, fancy Treo, Car with bells and whistles, expensive haircut, expensive Fridge, or cool guitar cast the first stone.


MamasBoy said...

Honestly, if I didn't have a mortgage and kids, I would be considering an iphone or equivalent too. I saw my friend's Samsung phone/pda/gps combo with unlimitted data access and got a touch of green envy the other week. He is taking it (along with gossamer solar panel) on his summer long trek along the Pacific Crest Trail, another point of green envy. That said, it was fun to go through your list and realize that according to it, I have the right to cast stones at you (unless that DVD player in my pc counts). You stone exclusion list missed my material weaknesses almost completely. :-)


Austin said...

dude, you MUST read this

Brody Harper said...

Amen. I will have one too... as soon as I can afford it.

Seth Ward said...

I just played with one.

It was the coolest thing I have ever touched.

FancyPants said...

Your poem is beautiful, Seth.

Discontented Refuge said...

Dang got me on the guitar.

Yah, I want one too.

Chaotic Hammer said...

Kat had one of those "the moment I felt old" posts the other day, and maybe this is mine.

I wouldn't know what to do with an iPhone if I had it. I don't even like my cell phone, and was dragged kicking and screaming into owning it (it's great for emergencies or when you're out in your car and forgot something and need to call someone about it, but I haven't found much use for it beyond that so far...). In fact, I only have it because work wanted me to be available for "on-call" sometimes on weekends. I have the cheapest plan and have never used 1/10th of my available free minutes.

I don't own an MP3 player, don't listen to music often enough to want one. I'm content to let computer activity be contained to occurring only in my office. No laptop or PDA or whatever.

I still run Windows 2000 on a computer I built myself out of cheap parts.

I'm so un-hip. I should change my online pseudonym to Chaotic Spartan.

Seth Ward said...

"I wouldn't know what to do with an iPhone if I had it."

Now see, this is the beauty of the the iPhone or a Mac in general. It is the most user friendly thing in the world. Most cell phones are so stupidly difficult (Treo) to figure out instantly that you need an hour to figure out how to turn the dang thing off and on. "Wait... how many seconds to I push these three buttons together... oh wait. I just erased what?..."

If you get a chance, check out the tutorial online and then tell me if you still consider yourslef Chaotic Dynamite.

Chaotic Hammer said...

Sorry, Seth, I think you misunderstood my use of that expression. As Shaun Groves is wont to do, I should admit culpability for poor word choice here, or misappropriation of a common expression. Or something.

I actually don't mean that I wouldn't know how to make the iPhone function, or that I wouldn't be capable of making each and every one of its nifty bells and whistles perform their intended magic.

I'm a total tech geek in the sense of mastering the underlying technology, and being able to completely control and configure it. But once that part is done, I have no interest in the intended uses of the device itself. I don't want a mobile phone, a camera, an MP3 player, a mobile personal computer, or anything else it does.

My life is no worse off for not having those things now, and I would have to deliberately think of things that I'm lacking and attempt to make the iPhone fulfill those areas, just because I had it.

I still don't know if I'm making myself clear. It's like those TV commercials with some nifty kitchen gadget that "slices, dices, purees, chips, chops..." that you see on TV late at night. By the end of the commercial, you're thinking "Wow, how have I ever lived without it? I need to call and order that right now!". But when you get it, you never actually use it, because you're already accustomed to doing all those kitchen functions with other utensils that you already owned.

shaungroves said...

Lord but ye without a DVD player, fancy Treo, Car with bells and whistles, expensive haircut, expensive Fridge, or cool guitar cast the first stone.

I've got no DVD player (no cable either), no fancy Treo (or any other sort of PDA), I drive a mini-van and have no other car, I cut my own hair (with kid scissors most of the time) and that makes it free, I have a fridge that I bought at the scratch and dent outlet, and Yamaha gives me my guitars because I'm a huge (soft) rock star and I have a stone with your name on it.

Seth Ward said...

Amish people don't count.

Besides don't you need that stone to grind your corn or somethin'?

shaungroves said...

It's a pillow actually.