I think there needs to be a special section of Drivers Ed for rednecks. This section of drivers Ed should be about physics.
You might ask: "Seth, when did you have this apostrophe?" Well, let me tell you from whence my concerns came.
For instance, lets say I am driving on any given bright sunny day in Houston during 5 o'clock-traffic on the busy interstate and I notice a truck. A truck that looks like the Beverly hillbilly-mobile on steroids. Crammed into the back of a clunking truck, (a truck that should be resting in peace in the nearest junkyard itself) there are at least 2000 large and small inanimate objects that could at any second, turn into lethal weapons projecting violently through my windshield.
Granted, this could mean a rare and strange occurrence in nature as it is probably the only time I could ever be killed by a recliner, but some things... are better left to the ole imagination.
A bonus to this Section of Aerodynamics for Redneck Drivers could also be beneficial to our shrinking Ozone. All that extra weight in the back causes the engine to burn mucho oil thus the billowing smoke coming out of the tailpipe climbing so high a Comanche could see it 100 miles off, if it is not streaming directly into my intake and gagging me.
I saw one guy, on the busiest free way in Houston just 2 days ago, hauling a huge-arse couch across the freeway like he was Hercules or something. There was at least 400 tons of steel and rubber coming his way at 70 miles per hour and you would have thought it was some sort of Redneck relay race on 3 for 1 beer and taquito day. I guess the darn thing just flew right out the back of his truck. Imagine that. See, Aerodynamics for Rednecks would teach that if you combine the right airspeed with just the right angle of any object, guess what happens? Airborne baby.
One can only ponder what were they thinking whilst they loaded the couch into the truck without a rope in sight or mind to tie it down? Maybe the rationale went something like this:
"Shoot Juanita, that thing is heavy, no joke. That ain't going anywhere. I mean, I bout threw my back out hauling it up there. I need a beer."
See the rationale there is: "Its heavy, I had to strain when I lifted it, therefore, there is no way that it will go anywhere standing on its end in the back of my love-shack-on-wheels, while I drive 75 miles per hour. It was so heavy that an instant injection of Beer was imperative after lifting. Object: Immovable." Genius Juanita. Pure Genius.
This is why I think there should be a special seminar for Redneck Drivers, which would be the teaching of "The 5 Redneck Commandments for Aerodynamics While Driving."
1. Thou shalt not load thine rickety truck with your ENTIRE accumulated life's possessions. Make 4 trips and save a life.
2. If you decide to break the first commandment, then thou shalt do thy best to tie, tape, glue or strap any and everything down so that it does not fly out and kill or maim your fellow American.
3. Thou shalt not try to risky thine life and retrieve any lost small or enormous items, on your shoulders, across any and every highway.
4. All of the above rules apply if you decide to fill the back of thy truck up with human beings as well.
5. When you drive fast, the air... hmmm well, lets just say it "blows really hard." It will pick up your furniture and possessions like the tooth fairy from the back of your trusty truck, and you will loose that possession that will have been transformed like Dr. Jeckle to Mr. Hyde, into a lethal weapon. That’s right, that Holy Velvet painting of Santa Maria could become a razor sharp decapitating machine.