Saturday, June 16, 2007

Aerodynamics For Redneck Drivers

I think there needs to be a special section of Drivers Ed for rednecks. This section of drivers Ed should be about physics.

You might ask: "Seth, when did you have this apostrophe?" Well, let me tell you from whence my concerns came.

For instance, lets say I am driving on any given bright sunny day in Houston during 5 o'clock-traffic on the busy interstate and I notice a truck. A truck that looks like the Beverly hillbilly-mobile on steroids. Crammed into the back of a clunking truck, (a truck that should be resting in peace in the nearest junkyard itself) there are at least 2000 large and small inanimate objects that could at any second, turn into lethal weapons projecting violently through my windshield.

Granted, this could mean a rare and strange occurrence in nature as it is probably the only time I could ever be killed by a recliner, but some things... are better left to the ole imagination.

A bonus to this Section of Aerodynamics for Redneck Drivers could also be beneficial to our shrinking Ozone. All that extra weight in the back causes the engine to burn mucho oil thus the billowing smoke coming out of the tailpipe climbing so high a Comanche could see it 100 miles off, if it is not streaming directly into my intake and gagging me.

I saw one guy, on the busiest free way in Houston just 2 days ago, hauling a huge-arse couch across the freeway like he was Hercules or something. There was at least 400 tons of steel and rubber coming his way at 70 miles per hour and you would have thought it was some sort of Redneck relay race on 3 for 1 beer and taquito day. I guess the darn thing just flew right out the back of his truck. Imagine that. See, Aerodynamics for Rednecks would teach that if you combine the right airspeed with just the right angle of any object, guess what happens? Airborne baby.

One can only ponder what were they thinking whilst they loaded the couch into the truck without a rope in sight or mind to tie it down? Maybe the rationale went something like this:

"Shoot Juanita, that thing is heavy, no joke. That ain't going anywhere. I mean, I bout threw my back out hauling it up there. I need a beer."

See the rationale there is: "Its heavy, I had to strain when I lifted it, therefore, there is no way that it will go anywhere standing on its end in the back of my love-shack-on-wheels, while I drive 75 miles per hour. It was so heavy that an instant injection of Beer was imperative after lifting. Object: Immovable." Genius Juanita. Pure Genius.

This is why I think there should be a special seminar for Redneck Drivers, which would be the teaching of "The 5 Redneck Commandments for Aerodynamics While Driving."

1. Thou shalt not load thine rickety truck with your ENTIRE accumulated life's possessions. Make 4 trips and save a life.

2. If you decide to break the first commandment, then thou shalt do thy best to tie, tape, glue or strap any and everything down so that it does not fly out and kill or maim your fellow American.

3. Thou shalt not try to risky thine life and retrieve any lost small or enormous items, on your shoulders, across any and every highway.

4. All of the above rules apply if you decide to fill the back of thy truck up with human beings as well.

5. When you drive fast, the air... hmmm well, lets just say it "blows really hard." It will pick up your furniture and possessions like the tooth fairy from the back of your trusty truck, and you will loose that possession that will have been transformed like Dr. Jeckle to Mr. Hyde, into a lethal weapon. That’s right, that Holy Velvet painting of Santa Maria could become a razor sharp decapitating machine.

Class Dismissed.


The Stan said...

You should add to that "you cannot hold down a mattress to the top of your four-door sedan while driving down the freeway, no matter how many hands are sticking out the window. Same goes for plywood...Or anything else, for that matter."

And "wooden crates are not meant to be hauled around in a pickup bed, stacked 137 high."

And "ladders should actually be strapped to the roof of your vehicle before entering the freeway." (Made that mistake myself, once! Lost my ladder, much to the panic of the person behind me.)

And "loose plastic buckets are asking to get thrown out the back of your pickup truck." (Had one nearly land on my windshield, once.)

Susanne said...

You should've seen my husband's truck when we first moved to Houston. There we were driving around the 610 loop for the first time ever in a Toyota Tacoma (not even the extended cab) truck with tons of stuff piled up high in the bed. We laughed about how we must have looked like the Beverly Hilbillies (complete with Tennessee license plate and all!). :)

Chaotic Hammer said...

Funny thing is, we don't actually see much stuff like this in middle Tennessee. Of course, between where I live and downtown Nashville is the I-65 corridor, which cuts through Williamson County, one of the 10 richest counties in the entire U.S. (think swimming pools, movie stars, country singers, etc).

But I'm thinking you'd have to head to east Tennessee to see this sort of thing.

"Y'all come back now, ya hear?"

Mz Jackson said...

What's really sad is that there was a child killed recently on an OK highway because of someone's stupid loading. Someone loaded a church pew onto a big truckload of stuff without tying it down and then got on the highway going seventy five miles an hour. The pew flew off and went through a windshield, killing a four year old kid. It was really sad.

Seth Ward said...

OMG! That is horrible. It really makes me mad actually. If I were a cop, I would pull anyone over doing that and chew there everliving asses out and confiscate their car.