Friday, April 20, 2007
Things on My Church Walls. (pt. 1)
Folks, it doesn't take a lot to perplex me. I am easily entertained. When you grow up a poor sonofa preacher, you learn to use the crude, raw materials around you and transform them into complex and fascinating toys. A paperclip, the ones that are actually like clamps for example, can become a perfectly good enemy space ship that destroys the good guys by clamping onto the giant mother ship that just happens to be shaped like your dad's power drill.
As far as HAVING money goes, I think in my early childhood, up to age 9, I had about 1 dollar, at one time. So when I see something like this, pinned up onto the wall of the 4th grade Sunday School room, I am in awe. Hear ye, hear ye. LET ALL QUESTIONS ABOUT THE MARRAIGE OF CAPITALSIM AND CHRISTIANITY IN THE AMERICAN CHURCH BE FOREVER ANSWERED NOW.
Let us examine...
For just showing up, you get a dollar. If you remember your bible, another dollar. Already, by getting their lazy arses up and remembering their Gideon, these kids have doubled my net worth at 9 years of age.
Bible Detective. 1 dollar. I have no clue what a bible detective is but it sounds fun and you get another dollar for playing. Score.
Prayer time is rightly valued at a higher rate than showing up with the Good Book and goes for 2 smackers.
Bringing a friend is valued at 2 bucks as well. So, if you are popular, you are big-time set. Lesson: More friends = more cash. Now, what I would have done is showed up with about 20 random kids and offered them all one dollar to be my friend for an hour. They each get a buck, and I would have scored 20. (Smacking my "ca-ching" and bullhorn buttons and yelling BOOYAWWW! Kramer-style.)
Knowing the names of the twelve apostles knocks you up 3 whole dollars to 5 bucks. Not too bad but trickier than you think. I mean, can YOU name them all right now? Not without a lifeline I bet.
The 10 commandments only gets you 5 bucks, same as knowing the twelve A's. I don't get that one really. I mean, is knowing that there were 2 disciples named Judas worth as much cash as knowing that killing your neighbor or screwing around on your wife is wrong? I think not. Ten Commandments... way undervalued here.
66 books of the Bible. 10 dollars. Getting in to major cash here folks. The grown-up-right-now-32-year-old-Seth is starting to want in on this action. Time to rip-off my niece’s Veggie tales tape and get to work a-memorizin'.
Lord's Prayer. 10 Dollars. Okay, okay, I think this one is a bit OVERVALUED. I mean, that's right up there with the pledge of allegiance as far as difficulty. Come on. 66 books... WAY harder. Although, that part in the prayer where Jesus says "give us this day our daily BREAD." really comes to life in this little reward system here.
23 Psalms. 10 Dollars. Now this is the most fairly priced item on the list. "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want..." Classic length, good rhyme, but with a butt-load of meaning. 10 smackers. I might be tempted to go 10.50 for that one. 5 bonus bucks if you can sing it.
When it’s all said and done, you are up 50 DOLLARS!!!! Man oh man.
But really... what can a boy buy these days with 50 bucks? You can't even get an iPod shuffle with 50. Maybe on eBay but you are really just sorta stuck buying a week-load of fast food. Sort of a gyp in the long run really. Kinda just gets your hopes up and wets your willie for more cashola. In fact, I think the kids should DEMAND more. 50 dollars? Pshaw. How bout 500 hundred???? Now we're talkin Sugarland-style re-wards. I could get me an 80-gig iPod and have money to flash whilst I send unlimited text messages over my V-cast Razor.
Being a young Christian in Sugarland can be SERIOUSLY profitable...