Monday, January 12, 2009

Into the Archive: The Chain


The secret is out ladies, or should I say, MASTER!!!!!

I have discovered the ever elusive "chain" that one refers to when the ancients spake of the "ball and chain" (el ballius chanus) It took me a while to unravel this mystery but finally, through much prayer and discernment, I have ascertained the truth of the enigma that is the "chain"..... The purse.

That's right, The Purse: that blasted, everliving curse of man's freedom to wander. I wish I could claim my intellect and keen deduction skills as the revealer of this truth but alas, I cannot. I stumbled upon it just as Alexander Fleming discovered Penicillin, by accident. It was so SIMPLE!!!! Yet, soooo Powerful. I don't know why I have never seen it before.

I will tell you the tale of discovery if you are ready for the truth.

We (my wife and I) were eating at the "Sweet Tomato" tonight and I had just finished a round of made-from-scratch pepperoni pizza. Wanting more, I swallow my last bite of tasty pizza bliss and prepared to get up for round 3. "I need to beat the chubby kid in the table next to me. We have both been eating our pizza and eyeing each others progress from the start," I quietly thought.

As I cast a triumphant smirk to the portly toddler and prepared to move, to my surprise, my wife was already stealthily sliding out of the booth.

"Don't go anywhere" she said in a hypnotic mono-tone.
I looked her in the eyes. She continued,
"My purse is here and I need you to watch it."
Slightly confused by the scenario I mumbled pathetically,
"but... I hungry... too"
Then she waved her hand in front of me not unlike the Jedi does when performing the "Jedi Mind Trick" and said,
"you don't NEED anything right now, you NEEED to watch my purse"
I found myself answering almost involuntarily
"sure honey, I NEED to watch your purse"

I sat there paralyzed. Hunger alone was my only source of sanity.
"I want food" my mind and tummy proclaimed.
"but the purse,...I must stay....the purse (cue echo effect)."
I began using my hunger-driven rationale.
"Well, I could just assert my will and go anyway," I thought.
"No, then if the purse was stolen I would be responsible"
Again I pondered,
"Well, I could just take the purse with me it is rather small."
But there again my shameless masculinity instinct would forbid such an action.

There I sat, in perfect stillness. I stared at the immobile purse and it stared from her seat back at me.

It was at this moment my friends, I had my "apostrophe"

I realized that I was chained. I cannot move. There is no alternative. I am aware now that the dangling bag that women carry around their shoulders is actually a very powerful tool of control. It is disguised by the fact that it serves some practical purposes. It even comes in fantastic colors matching the outfit of the female so as to camouflage and distract the weaker sex (men) from knowing its true and real purpose- Bondage.

So from this day forth, I do hereby begin my study of this tactic to develop a counter-attack.

I will brief all those who have ears to hear when I have formulated an effective counter-chain.

Until then... Beware.

(Btw, I usually don't like archive posts unless I'm in dire need of time... However on a recent visit to the the supermarket... I was faced once again with The Chain and decided that it was worth reposting.)


Chaotic Hammer said...

Yep, I remember this one. It's a classic.

Tully said...

OMG, Seth, you have outdone yourself. I laughed so hard I was in tears. Well done! :)