Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Christian Games That Would Actually Be Fun

Remember that Nintendo game about Noah's Ark? Man did that suck. There have been a few recent "christian" games that have made an appearance lately and I think they suck too. These games simply miss the point - it's all about good old-fashioned killin'. THAT'S what I'm talkin' bout. So I've come up with a few suggestions for the industry, more in the true spirit of a good video game: divide, conquer and killlll.

Calvinism: Unleashed. In this game one would lure people with something irresistible over a trap door to hell. Or maybe you could play the young John Calvin at Geneva, sentencing those to death with dissenting views. Maybe in the final level Calvin could have a smack-down with Luther. (Rated: M for Mature.)

Grand Theft Temple.
In this game you would try to rip-off poor sinners by selling them crippled doves and gimp lambs. In the last level you fight a young upstart Rabbi with supernatural powers as he tries to over-turn your tables. Only problem would be... You always lose in the end. (Rated: SS for Slightly Sacrilegious.)

Kirk Cameron Tract and Field. In this game you play Kirk Cameron, riding a unicycle through a corrupt city, knocking out innocent bikers and Mardi Gras spectators with the four spirchal laws. If you gain enough points, you can force them to watch the director's cut of Left Behind. If you don't knock out enough people, you are -- you got it -- LEFT BEHIND!!!! (Rated FFA for Fun For All.)

Benny Hinn Holy Spirit Bowling.
In this game you roam a huge stage and see how many people you can knock down with "Fire." For extra points you drop into a bonus level where you can do a kind of Holy-Spirt-Force-Choke on hidden Dateline and MSNBC reporters. (Rated T for Toddler)

Noah: Operation Rogue Beast.
In this game you wander the ark searching for the wild beast that keeps eating one of each animal. (Sort of like Doom.) However, once the Dachshund is eaten, game over. (Rated FFABVB, Fun For All But Very Bloody.)

Hungry Peter.
In this game you play Peter, devouring all the ham you can in each level before the Apostle Paul catches you. (Rated L for Legalist.)

Feel free to add your suggestions!


Vitamin Z said...


This is VERY funny. Going on my blog now.


Electric Monk said...

Awesome awesome post. Only thing I would add: during the opening cinematic of "Noah: Operation Rogue Beast," the wild beast would eat a unicorn.

Seth Ward said...

Thanks guys! Vitamin, awesome. However, I would suggest omitting the first game idea... Might unintentionally tick a few of your readers off...

E.M., I like the unicorn Idea. Or maybe it's the unicorn that's the beast.

Vitamin Z said...

I did edit that one out of my post!


Anonymous said...

My game would be "Elisha." It'd be an RPG where you wander around the hillside rooting out the forces of Jezebel. When in trouble, you could summon she-bears from the woods to maul any pesky children nearby.

MamasBoy said...



Stephen said...

This is awesome. The last one is the best.

Chaotic Hammer said...

Genius, Seth. Comic gold!

This Southern Belle said...


The Aimful Wanderer said...

I used to have a trinity of Christian original nintendo games. There was a Noah's Ark (not the one you linked to) where Noah had to gather the animals, carrying them over his head one by one into the ark like Batman. Then there was one that was Spiritual Warfare where you had a sword of the spirt and killed demons and cast them out of people. There was a third that I can't remember.

Susanne said...

I'm laughing so hard!!! My favorite is "Grand Theft Temple." I think Jesus would even get a kick out of these. :)