Monday, December 15, 2008

Dear Federation Engineers

I was recently aboard the celebrated Starship Enterprise when we were attacked by an old clunky Klingon Bird of Prey. Luckily, we were able to locate a flaw in their Cloaking system and we destroyed their ship. It was slightly bad-ass. However, during the battle we sustained some serious damage and we had to crash land that baby on some planet while Picard was dilly-dallying, picarding his nose in something he called "The Nexus," fighting some villain named, ahem, "Sauron." Nice. I bet he met Gandalf and Gollum there too. Whatever. His story is suspect. Supposedly, while he was "talking to Captain Kirk" (uh huh...) in the "Nexus" we were doing all the work and getting the crap blown out of us. Personally, I think he knew the battle was coming and he wussed out. Again, whatever. We came, we saw, we kicked some Klingon ugly-butt.

Which brings me to the two points of this here letter.

1. Federation should seriously consider putting seat belts on the friggin bridge. People seem to take flight an awful lot when things get rough with the Klingons. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but a seat belt or two might have come in handy. Thanks a bunch for that oversight. I darn near flew from my chair into space on that second torpedo blast. The handsome angry man being launched in the left of the picture is me, thank you kindly. Yeah, yeah. It "looks" fun. It wasn't, I assure you. In fact, it was totally lame and it ticked me off.

2. Federation should seriously consider putting non-explosive logic boards in their console computers or logic boards or whatever. Chellloooo??? Starship to dilwad? Whoever thought it would be a good idea for the consoles to explode like a stick of dynamite when under attack should be tazered in the butt. Thanks to that little bit of engineering brilliance , I have no nose and now I'm wearing those stupid looking goggles that ship engineer wears so I can see. And do you see that nice shock of hair in the pic? Do you see it??? Picard used to envy that. Now, it's been singed clean off except for a little bit that grows in the back. I've got a bald mullet thanks to your stupidity. Data is hotter than me now.

Perturbed, burned, blind and unfairly mulleted,

Crew Memeber 3495.

Just FYI.


Seth Ward said...

Yes, possibly my nerdiest post to date.

Jeff McQ said...

Dude, it totally rocked. I read this early in the AM, and had a hard time not waking the house with my laughter.

Live long and prosper.

Michelle Harper said...

I am ready for the new movie! The casting looks awesome in the trailer.

Seth Ward said...

Jeff, thanks!

Michelle, I know, it looks awesome!