Saturday, November 08, 2008

The Full Transcript of Barack Obama's First Press Conference as President Elect.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the President Elect... Barack Obama!

In the front row, a young reporter faints as Barack Obama enters the room. No one cares about the man. The press jumps up and down raising their hands, screaming, "Oh me, me, me, me, me! Pick me first!"

Barack notices that several red and pink apples have been placed on his podium near the microphones.

"First of all, let me just say, thank you for the nice, shiny apples. They look delicious. I do enjoy a good Fuji apple. (Several giggles reverberate through the room; the hands seem to rise higher than ever. Some are propping their raised arms with their other arm.)

Okay, you in the front, Rachel, from MSNBC, I believe?

"Yes, yes... I... I... I... .... BARACK... I... I.... I LOVE YOU!" She covers her mouth. "OH MY GOD OH MY GOOOOOD,” she sits down and sobs inconsolably. Several people dab their own tears at her show of emotion.

"I'm sorry, Rachel, I'll have to return to you in a moment." Barack motions to the wings. Two young individuals rush to the woman wearing badges that say, "Barack Press-Emotional-Overload Patrol..."

They escort Rachel out the back of the room.

"Okay, you in the front, Jeff."

"Yes... first, let me just say what an honor it is for you to point your finger at me to call on me. I mean, I have dreamed of this moment since the first time you waved your finger at a press conference. I mean, even if someday you accidentally give me the bird... I wouldn't mind. I do ask tough questions, though." (Wink.)

"Well, let's go ahead and get to one of those, shall we?" Barack says, gracious and politely impatient.

"Yes, yes. Of course. Well, see, many of us wonder what you will do to solve the current financial crisis. And there have even been rumors of you being able to turn regular paper into money... also, we were wondering what kind of puppy you are going to get, what is your favorite color and my partner was wondering... have you ever sat down to go number 1? I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist!"

"No, no." Barack chuckles. "And I'll try to remember all of those important questions so I can answer them thoroughly. And before I answer, Jeff, it looks like you may have had a little accident... "

Jeff covers the tinkle spot with his pad of paper, crosses his legs and blushes.

"Anyways, that money question is just a rumor. I was at a wedding and someone didn't have enough money to buy chocolate truffles, which are my favorite. So, I offered to pay for them. Somehow, the rumor spread that I turned all the napkins into 20-dollar bills to pay for them. But I assure you; I don't need magic to get the money I need. I just say the word 'money' and people start throwing it at me. It's really amazing. About the puppy, we haven't decided, but we think maybe an animal shelter puppy. Favorite color? Red White and Blue, brother. And about the potty question, you can tell your "partner"... only once, when I was young."

A murmur flows through the room and Barack raises his hand to calm them.

"Yes, it's true. I sat down, once to tinkle. HOWEVER..."
He raises his long finger into the air and glares at them sternly.
"I sat, but I did NOT tinkle." (A sigh of relief resounds.)
"Next question... Yes, you in the front."

"Yes, Mr. President erect... I MEAN... elect, Oh my gosh. I am soooo sorry."

"Don't sweat it. Move on with your question, Freud, I mean... Mr. Floyd."

"Yes, we were all wondering... when you met with George Bush for the first time in the White house, did you say, 'HA! FART FACE! YOU ARE SOOOO OUTA HERE. YOU ARE SOOOOO SLEEPING IN MY BED, SO TAKE A HIKE YOSIMMITEE!' And then every time he tried to talk did you just make a farting noise with your mouth? Did you do anything like that?"

"Well, no. Actually the President was quite helpful." (Gasp) Don't get me wrong, we still disagree on many things. I still believe he is the devil and he should be hung by his Texas testis, and I believe that he and John McCain were the first set of Genetic clones tested by the government in the early 40's... but no, I didn't want to yell at him or make farting noises while he talked, though a certain pleasure is stirs in me at the thought of it."

"Well if you change your mind, maybe you could just spit in his Coke or something next time and video him drinking it with your phone for us."

"Um, I'll think about it."

A paper airplane hits Barack in the neck.

"What the?"

He opens it. It is a crudely written letter that says, "Will you pick me next, yes or No." Two boxes are below the words yes or no. It is decorated with various hearts. In large print at the bottom it reads, "Love, Chris Matthews, MSNBC news."

"Okay, okay, Chris, you're next. What's your question.”?

Several press members quickly sit down and begin folding their own paper airplanes.

"Listen, folks. No more airplanes. I'll get to you when I get to you. And please, let's get to the serious questions about the economy and healthcare. Okay, Chris, fire away. "

"Yes, Mr. President Elect, I'm sorry I have to ask this, but you know me. I play hardball. So... here goes. Do you spoon or sprawl, Yes or no? Just a simple question. I play hard. My questions are hard. Get used to it."

"Listen people. I'm going to have to go. I just think these questions aren't really relevant. I'm flattered that you are so interested in how my wife and I cuddle, but why don't we meet at another time when we are all a little less wound up."

The press cries out and suddenly several Airplanes are thrown at Barrack. He flinches. Secret service men appear and block the remaining airplanes. As Barrack gathers his apples, a pair of underwear hits one of his secret service men in the face. It dangles from his dark glasses. The underwear is decorated with Barrack cartoon faces.

Barrack makes his way to the door and the press screams in desperation their unanswered questions as Barrack leaves.

"Please Mr. President, do you like to be tickled?!!!"
"Please, Mr. President, do you ever just look in the mirror for hours and maybe even kiss your reflection???!!!! We have to know!"

Suddenly Rachel Maddox appears again from the back room, but Obama has left. She drops to her knees with tears in her eyes and cries, "Baaaaaaaarrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyy!"


Anonymous said...

simply.... hilarious!!!! Especially the Rachel M. reference.

Anonymous said...

SNL worthy.

Susanne said...

I was going to say which part was the funniest, but there were just too many. Has anyone ever told you that you should be a writer? :) Good stuff, Seth. I'm crying laughing just thinking about the panties dangling from the secret service guy's glasses. I can actually see this happening. Some girl on Facebook posted a photo of B.H.O., and she put the caption, "Ain't he cute?!" Maybe we should watch out for the interns with the way women are throwing themselves at this guy.

Mike Roberson said...

>SNL worthy.

I agree, you ought to drop in the studio sometime and have a chat with Lorne Michaels.

It was great to see you this morning, looks like you are having way too much fun in NY. Take care and keep Change in your pocket.

Aspiring Girl said...

I cried too. and then made an airplane.

Tan Truong said...

This is really funny! Totally awesome!