Thursday, November 20, 2008

Airport Author I Ain't, and Other Bad Alliterations

(Two weeks ago... or somewhere around that time.)

For some reason, I've never been able to read (or write much - we'll see how it goes here) in an airport. I'm too easily distracted. When I write, most times, I put on studio headphones to drown-out all sounds... Just in writing these last three sentences, I was hopelessly distracted no less than 6 times.

There is a man sitting across from me talking on his phone, yet because of the position of the charger plug, it looks like he is talking on it upside down. Distracting. There is an older couple with a thick northern accent talking about Obama and hoping that he will do a good job. They voted for him. Another man to the left of me is sitting in a position that, from my peripheral, looks like he is constantly staring at me.

So how's that for a high school writing project? "Describe your surroundings."

Ned Horner (the best man at my wedding) and I shared a freshman-year creative writing class at MSU, formerly SMSU. We were give just such an assignment and when called upon to read his "Describe 5 minutes of your day," Ned proceeded to stand and read about his experience "using the can" in someone else's home and how there was a large mirror where he could see his reflection.

A little excerpt, word for word, I shoot you not. It will forever be burned into my brain. (Turn away if you have a weak stomach...)

"As I got up to look at my load before I flushed, I noticed a large mirror in front of me. As I studied my farmer's-tanned naked thigh, I thought, 'Dang, I'm good lookin'! Then, I flushed. The end."

"Proustian Ned, just exquisitely crafted" the teacher responded, dryly. She then sarcastically asked the class if they had any criticism. It was an uncomfortable moment because the class was full of cheerleaders and sorority girls. So, being the good friend, I spoke up. "I personally like the alliteration, 'looked at my load.'"

No laughs. She asked me to read mine next as a punishment...

Okay, gotta stop typing. A man has just planted his large frame smack dab beside me, and has already claimed the armrest, even though there are thirteen other empty chairs on this row. I hope he is reading this.

P.S., No that is not a picture of me. I can't sit Indian style for more than two minutes. Plus I'm not that old. I do have that hat.


Electric Monk said...

Thanks, dude. I needed the early-morning laugh.

Super Churchlady said...

You know you can always crack me up with bathroom humor. I'm a juvenile at heart.

Anonymous said...

"Personally, I liked the alliteration" cracked me up. Then it got me thinking. It made me think of my sophomore english class when reading "of Mice and Men". Which led to, so is "load" slang, colloquialism, or local color?

I mean how many phrases are there for "going number 2". I mean I even heard on TV - "dropping a deuce". Is that a common phrase on the west coast? "taking a dump" and the popular "taking a duke" from MI. I have to stop. No really.

... and the purpose of this post was what? Talk about distracted today.

Please note the following paragraph has no intended disrespect to the novel "Of Mice and Men".

Seth Ward said...

I should be noted that Ned went on to receive a Masters at DePaul University in Chicago and an Artist Diploma in Conducting at MU. He has no recollection of this event, though he does not doubt it.

Tully said...

That was hilarious! :)