Friday, April 04, 2008

Into the Loiness Den

Okay, so I've just gotta put up another post besides the underwear bra picture. It was funny, now it is entering into the depressing realm.

In other news....

I'm playing for a Chorus Line audition tomorrow. Should be interesting. I was thinking about playing the fast songs really slow and the slow songs really fast, just to lighten it up a bit.

Those auditions are intense affairs. Nowhere else, besides maybe under the probing eyes of a Baptist Deacon's wife, will your attire be so incredibly scrutinized.

As you walk past the throngs of crowded girls, (usually huddling around one particular girl who seems to know everybody in the business including the director of the show for which the audition is being held, even though she is somehow in the same line as everyone else,) you (the new girl in the room) will receive the "initial" scan. Most girls are subconsciously aware of this scan anyways because they do it naturally, but in the audition the initial scan/glare is marked and barbed. These girls are masters... no, savants at instantly finding "the" flaw in you that sets them one step higher. One way to know that you are a serious threat is if the glances continue throughout the audition waiting period.

The real compliment comes if one of the brave girls breaks ranks, usually the ring-leader in the group, and approaches you for apparently no other reason but to strike up a conversation and tell you that she loves your shoes, or your dress, or your bracelet, or purse, or whatever. Notice, they will not compliment anything about your flesh-and-blood body. No, for "building your self-esteem" is not the real purpose of the advance or compliment.

The real purpose is espionage. They have come to find an insecurity or flaw in your: resume, personality, complexion-up-close, voice, ankle-size, boob size (and the effects of gravity therein), butt-size, song-selection, or anything else that will give the poor, jealous prodding girl - your seemingly new BFF - the upper-hand.

The whole thing is a little sad, but its all a part of the game.

But let's be honest, the audition room isn't the only place one can find these tactics. Right? Dudes do it too. Especially musicians. And oddly enough, especially Christian musicians.

However, there is not a sorority or social club or worship-leader conference that can rival the intense dance of tender audition-room assassin, the sticky-sweet, slightly-plump-but-the-prettiest mercenary "originally from Atlanta but came up to audition on a whim" girl who comes to you offering poison freindship-apple balanced on her french-manicured claws.

It is sordid business indeed.

13 comments:

Fork said...

It is, isn't it?

Kinda makes you wonder why we do it, huh?

Fork said...

I didn't know you played for auditions! Tell me, would you be offended if one of the auditioners came in tomorrow and said, "Well, I have this ukulele..."

FancyPants said...

You are absolutely right on.

Chaotic Hammer said...

That's gotta be just horrible. Seriously.

I remember reading Fancy's post about one of her experiences previously. Gut-wrenching stuff. It sounds like all the very worst elements of our childhood experiences in school, that we thought we'd left behind when we became adults, but now they've come back worse than ever, in a new magnified version.

And I hope this doesn't come across wrong, but I cringe even more for you, Seth. You are married to absolutely one of the gentlest, kindest souls you'll ever meet in your life. And you know that there's no way around having to send her into that lioness den if she hopes to chase her dream there. I know she's made of some surprisingly tough stuff on the inside, and can endure a lot. But even just sitting here trying to imagine what it would be like if my wife had to go through that stuff is giving me heartburn. You guys are pretty amazing.

Popcorn said...

In her Positive Tuesday post, Fancy said somthing about the fact that you observe every nuance that is hovering in a room, boy was she correct! That girl knows her hubby. You described female behavior to a pathetic T. You, with your lovely command of the king's english, have given a great description of how charged the atmosphere of a competitive audition must be. I might worry about some women having to face that, but Fancy has the authenticity it takes to weather the undercurrent of body languange/verbal/hidden agenda storms like those. She's got the bonus of your bird's eye view take on the whole situation! I apologize for my ever-long comments! Oy.

The Cachinnator said...

Actors are icky.

A.Macaroni said...

...while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Profound. What an amazing God to see us as we are and still passionately pursue us. Wow. To the glory of His name...

Seth Ward said...

Welllll, I mighta over exaggerated just a smidge. It's not all that bad. I am a bit hypersensitive to my surroundings. But hey? That's just me. I don't think that way all the time. I really just let the thoughts go there because I was tired of looking at the underwear bra and let the stream flow.

The girls that auditioned today were pretty sweet. It is really in the non-equity auditions that you get the cattiness.

It's not all that bad. But sometimes, it is that bad. But where sin abounds, Grace superabounds. You got that right A.mac.

Btw C-ham... You goaded into a comment on paying for Jesus and left me hanging. (I also have to respond to Fancy!)

Popcorn said...

Seth, this has nothing really to do with your current post except for the actor wannabe aspect of it...but I was thinking today that you should write a screenplay. G could bankroll it, A could star in it and all your friends (especially Popcorn) could be the actors, you can produce and direct it, T can deal with sound issues...we'd all be hugely rich and successful and go on Regis and Kelly for our release interviews.. the sleeper that makes it big.. just like Napoleon Dynamite!! How hard could it be?What are you waiting for? What say you? I say get busy. Oh, and when the credits roll don't forget to mention Popcorn as the catalyst for this whole thing. I'm not kidding about this.

Chaotic Hammer said...

Seth - Yes, I've been thinking a lot about that line of discussion we started, and think it's worth exploring further. But it was located in a thread with an initial subject matter that was a little different than our line of discussion (related, but different), and I felt uneasy taking that thread over, and into a different direction than it seemed to be headed. I know that Kat is very gracious and wouldn't mind if we continued it there, but it seemed like the initial subject had pretty much run its course.

I hope I didn't "goad" too hard. It was meant as good-natured ribbing. The actual substance of what you started with that thought is worth examining, and Fancy had some great thoughts on it too. Maybe one of you two would like to start a post on it and see if any fruitful discussion ensues?

Popcorn said...

My word that's cryptic or I'm just thick. Probably just not on the same page again. :)

Kelly said...

:-) Interesting post and comments...

Fork said...

Those girls all need nose jobs! Then they'll be happy!