Sunday, August 31, 2008


All husbands have this talent. It can be conjured at any moment. It can be summoned no matter how weary we are.

I call it: The Emergency Dumb Outfit Reflex Kinaesthesia. EDORK, for short.

Say, your wife hears something in the night. The wife, slightly scared, wakes you up. You mumble something about the carrot juice, earwax and spaceships - something that made TOTAL sense in your dream - leaving your wife more spooked. Annoyed, she shakes your arm and tells you to listen. Then you hear hear the darn noise. (Some sort of "click" or something that the brain can't quite place.) So, you reach for the light and grab a shirt. Not just any old shirt, but the shirt that would clash the worst with your boxer briefs. Most times, that shirt is inside-out or backwards. Then comes the shoes... At first you MIGHT think "Flip-flops," but Flip-flops are rarely chosen, because they can rarely be found in these moments. After all, you might be called upon to go outside. So, your brain turns quickly to the cowboy boots, front and center, because they provide the most all-around protection and are best for stomping mice and spiders and all other things that are enemies of the wife.

Then, dear friends comes the strange pedestal factor of EDORK. Somehow, we always find ourselves standing on a chair, reaching for something, on one leg, with our wives safely on the ground or couch, watching.

Then we hear it. The chuckle. We turn and view the wife, still in her perfectly matching pajamas, pointing and chuckling at our EDORK attire. It is then that we notice that our judgment might not be what we think it is. It is then that the wife is proven superior in judgment and we are left with a strange alternative. Either get down, immediately and fix the clothing ensemble, or we act like we don't care at all and continue on our pedestal in wife-late-night-entertainment.

Most times we blaze on, and act like we knew how goofy we looked the whole time, but other times... I wonder if the wife secretly set the whole thing up. You see, it alllllllll goes back to Eden. They WANT the power. And how do they GET the power??? By slowly chipping away at our manliness. See, I wonder if our wives don't set the whole darn thing up. I wonder if they wait till we are talking nonsenical in our sleep to sneak out of bed, turn our shirts inside out, unmatch our socks, hide our pants, and strategically place the worst looking boots at the FRONT of the closet.

I just wonder...

Regardless, EDORK is a true gift. It shows that we are truly fearless. It shows that no matter what, we are not afraid of humiliating ourselves to return to our dreams.

Can I get a witness.


Chaotic Hammer said...

Amen, Brother Seth.

Electric Monk said...

Preach on, my brother...

Rob said...

This gets easier as your body "seasons" because most of the parts are not as intrinsically winsome. It is no longer necessary to choose nonsensical attire to achieve the same effect.