Thursday, August 28, 2008

I wanna run, I want to hide.

I've started a morning regimen of sit ups and push ups and let me tell you... wait a second...

By gum... I think I don't mind it! WOW!

That may be the first time I've ever said that about any sort of organized or self-inflicted calisthenics.

(Pausing to review my life-working-out history.)

Let's see... I despise running with a passion. (I would just assume sniff a trucker's rhoid-cushion to running a mile.) And, as I remember back to my educational prison sentence... yes, I still have a black burning coal of hatred behind each knee-cap for high school gym class.

Now, sports, that's another thing altogether. I love a good romp on a court or in the dirt and always have. I love football, baseball, tennis, racket ball, volleyball, aerobic walking if I am walking with someone because you can talk and pass the time, monopoly... (That's right, folks, monopoly is cardio when I play it. Especially for the "other players," otherwise known as "My future tenants/slaves." muhaha... muahahahaha... muuuHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

About the only sport I hate playing is basketball. That's because I pretty much suck at it, and I ain't exactly a human skyscraper, and call me prideful, but when some 14-year-old kid in the youth group blocks my lay-up -or even my alley-oop for crying out loud - all of my faults and/or awkward memories, from childhood to present, go rushing before my eyes.

Anywho, other than basketball, as for just doing something for the sake of doing it, "working-out" sucks. It sucks bit poo-covered cow utters.

Seriously, if you think about it, working out is torture. I know, that isn't really a terribly original epiphany, but hang on a second. I know we say, "oh, wow, this is like torture!" But do we REALLY ever consider it to actually be torture??? Does torture REALLY have to be administered by the Japanese or a militant Islamist to be considered authentic, Grade-A torture? What does torture do and work to achieve? Here is the definition of torture, according to good old Webster:

1 a: anguish of body or mind : agony b: something that causes agony or pain
2: the infliction of intense pain (as from burning, crushing, or wounding) to punish, coerce, or afford sadistic pleasure

Sounds pretty much like the friggin StairMaster, Nautilus, or treadmill to me. Suuuure, we listen to music to take our mind off the pain, but I have a theory that eventually, hearing "Where the Streets Have No Name" is someday going to be to the Christian-weight-lifting-enthusiasts what Beethoven's 9th was to the psycho-rapist in A Clockwork Orange: a form of torture in itself.

Yes, I can see it now. Someday, Chris Tomlin is going to start singing "Where the Streets have No Name" (a song he covers) at a concert, thinking he will surprise all his avid worshipers by cleverly enlightening thousands unto spirit-U2-ality, but instead, he will choke on the chorus as he sees several thousand men writhing on the ground covering their ears and screaming for their mommas. Tomlin's last thought before he stops singing the song? "Why didn't any of big fellas eating chili-dogs writhe around on the ground when I started to sing the U2? Maybe momma was right... Maybe it really isn't a praise and worship song. Maybe it IS of the Devil."

Welp, arms are getting tired from all the push-ups. Gotta go. Chick-fil-a is 'a calling.


Michelle said...

I am surprised and happy to see you back in action in bloggerville. Your musings are some of my best daily entertainment (keep in mind I'm a stay at home mom).

Welcome back to the east coast!

Michelle said...

Oh, and if you're still playing Monopoly, I'm guessing you haven't played some of the newer games out there. Jim and I were introduced to Settlers of Catan a few years ago. Our lives haven't been the same since. Other favorites: Cities & Knights (Settlers expansion), Puerto Rico, and Lost Cities. Gamers rule, Man!

Chaotic Hammer said...

Well, just ramblin' around NYC on foot is a pretty good workout on its own. So throw in a few push-ups and sit-ups for good measure, and you should be a pretty fit specimen.

Super Churchlady said...

Use it or lose it, Baby. Quit whining and get back to work. ;-)

Seth Ward said...

Michelle, I haven't played those games but I'll keep them in mind when Christmas roles around and the families are forced to face off.

I'm a big fan of Axis and Allies and Risk (a game Neil introduced to me, btw!) but I never can get anyone to play those with me. In fact, no one wants to play me in monopoly either. Spades is the compromise. I do love spades. When you and Jim come up for a visit, we'll have to play you all in spades or just bring one of those games!

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