We saw Caveheart... I mean, 10,000 B.C. last weekend. It was dumb and fun. Most of the time I rolled my eyes and wanted to say the word "ignert" every other spoken line, but there were moments where I thought... weeeell, whataya gonna do? How can you take a movie seriously that defies all science and gives ancient people refined english with a Transylvania accents. Also, I guess to be primitive, you've got to have dread-locks, dirty faces and ultra clean teeth. Because, you know, back then, tartar control wasn't a problem. Just ask the English. Oh, and they must have names like "Tick Tick." Did anyone stop to think that that just might resemble a little known cartoon cave baby? Give you a hint... BAM BAM. WILLLLLLMAAAAAA!
Okay, I can't resist. I've gotta list the dumb stuff, in no special order.
The fake blue eyes on the main chick... the goofy prophesies throughout... the goofy "old wise woman" prophet/narrator... the bizarre, ever-shifting accents in the same tribe (as if the director just said, "make it sound cave-ish. ACTION!")... the part where the hero lets the big hungry Saber-toothed tiger go and makes friends with him -Ala the Black Stallion... the whole first 45 minutes looked like it was filmed in my back yard in Springfield with a crappy green-screen ... the whole tribe-leader "white spear" thing... that bone-spear just didn't look very effective... they COMPlETELY ripped off The Edge (Anthony Hopkins, Aleck Baldwin and the Bear) with the spear-killing-Wooly Mammoth scene... the predictable prophesies from the old tribal prophet- let me guess, "one will come and lead the poor Flinstone tribe to freedom"... the Goofy prophet-woman spirit swap at the end with the chick with the blue eyes...
Okay, I'll stop there.
Verdict: So dumb. It was so dumb I forgot to bring my Madonna-genius doll and give it an I.Q. test. BUT, alas, it's so dumb that it's likable. It had Woolly Mammoths charging down a pyramid for crying out loud. Who can't like that? btw, did you just see the words "a pyramid?" Yes, yes, you did. The movie historian wunderkinds behind the scenes most surely flunked anthropology, geology, and um ... math. Try 3000 B.C. fellas. Let me introduce you to a little thing called "Wikipedia." And even at 3000 wasn't anything special as far as pyramids went. It was pretty ghetto and hardly big enough to stampede a bunch of Mammoths down it.
I saw so many elements from epic movies it was ridic. You had: Braveheart (the quintessential caveman "You are free cavemen!" speech) Dances with Wolves (the whole waiting to hunt the sparse Mammoths thing) Apocalypto (captured wife, being chased in the Jungle)... Jurassic Park 2 with the Raptors snacking on dudes in the long grass. Except in Caveheart they were big ugly ostrich things. But hey, it was cool anyway. The list could go on, even into Cinematic classics such as Legends of the Falls- itself a cinematic masterpiece rivaled only by this.
So, I say, see it. But see it for the saber-tooth and the Mammoths... however, the Mammoths in LOTR were off the hook a bazillion times cooler. Still, it was fun enough to buy a bucket of popcorn and slurp up a gallon of coke next to Fancypants. Maybe I could compare it to the old creature-features. They were dumb, campy and fun, as was 10,000 B.C.
To borrow Popcorn's rating scale I'd give it a 2 1/2 out of 5 popcorn kernels on the fun summer movie scale, even though it ain't summer yet.
Otherwise, I'd give it a B--- on a creature-feature curve, up from D+.