Sunday, January 27, 2008


If I had a superpower, it would be shocking. Getting shocked, that is. (I'm all about the corny blog openers.) My body is a truly amazing phenom of natural conductivity. (Must be my abs of steel.) It's a tad maddening to tell the truth. I swear to Buddha that I've seen a bolt of static electricity three inches long extend from the tip of my finger to the doorknob. Nothing causes me to spontaneously spew a cuss word faster. It's like I become a cuss-word gunslinger.

Therefore, it has become a habit of mine to touch any and everything with my elbow before I touch it with my hand. Even when I kiss Amber on the lips, I first have to fire a warning shot to her cheek with my nose. If I don't, it feels like I puncture both of our lips with a hot needle. Not the kind of electricity that's romantic. So now I've got this routine that makes me feel a little like some sort of obsessive compulsive weirdo who counts spilled toothpicks and touches everything with his elbow and zaps his wife with his nose like a ritualistic alien Eskimo.

A sense of dread washes over me when I see a long carpeted hallway. I seriously think that I could cause real bodily harm to someone if I ever really charged up my innards with a fast and furious feet-shuffle on the carpet. I am the human taser. In fact... hahaha.... heeheehee... mwuhahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA. Heeeeere kitty kitty kitty.

Heeeeey... maybe I could use my power for good instead of kitty torture! Whenever I see a worker giving a customer bad service, I'll do the power-up shuffle, sneak up behind them and zap their earlobe and scream "How's that for service you inconsiderate turdball!" But then I'd have to fend-off the rest of the restaurant staff, as they would no doubt try and subdue me. I'd be shuffling around, recharging like a fool and would eventually be taken out by a flung beer mug. Kind of a whimpy superpower come to think of it.

Naw... maybe just zap the earlobe and act like I didn't see anything. If only I had one of my friends here to try out the superpower. I think a secret zap to the ear would be just hilarious. Only problem is, I feel the pain as well, sort of like Wolverine. Oh well, it'd be worth it.


mer said...

I didn't read the rest of your post. I stopped at the "I swear to Buddha" part. Thats a good enough post for me. Nice one. Im going to use that sometime....Im sure the rest of the post was good too.

Seth Ward said...

Merber, little sister, I love you. Don't worry about the rest. The rest isn't near as good.

Just don't overuse it like you and Jack did with "O my yummy."

Chaotic Hammer said...

This time of year, when the air is cold and dry, my cats are electric.