If I had a superpower, it would be shocking. Getting shocked, that is. (I'm all about the corny blog openers.) My body is a truly amazing phenom of natural conductivity. (Must be my abs of steel.) It's a tad maddening to tell the truth. I swear to Buddha that I've seen a bolt of static electricity three inches long extend from the tip of my finger to the doorknob. Nothing causes me to spontaneously spew a cuss word faster. It's like I become a cuss-word gunslinger.
Therefore, it has become a habit of mine to touch any and everything with my elbow before I touch it with my hand. Even when I kiss Amber on the lips, I first have to fire a warning shot to her cheek with my nose. If I don't, it feels like I puncture both of our lips with a hot needle. Not the kind of electricity that's romantic. So now I've got this routine that makes me feel a little like some sort of obsessive compulsive weirdo who counts spilled toothpicks and touches everything with his elbow and zaps his wife with his nose like a ritualistic alien Eskimo.
A sense of dread washes over me when I see a long carpeted hallway. I seriously think that I could cause real bodily harm to someone if I ever really charged up my innards with a fast and furious feet-shuffle on the carpet. I am the human taser. In fact... hahaha.... heeheehee... mwuhahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA. Heeeeere kitty kitty kitty.
Heeeeey... maybe I could use my power for good instead of kitty torture! Whenever I see a worker giving a customer bad service, I'll do the power-up shuffle, sneak up behind them and zap their earlobe and scream "How's that for service you inconsiderate turdball!" But then I'd have to fend-off the rest of the restaurant staff, as they would no doubt try and subdue me. I'd be shuffling around, recharging like a fool and would eventually be taken out by a flung beer mug. Kind of a whimpy superpower come to think of it.
Naw... maybe just zap the earlobe and act like I didn't see anything. If only I had one of my friends here to try out the superpower. I think a secret zap to the ear would be just hilarious. Only problem is, I feel the pain as well, sort of like Wolverine. Oh well, it'd be worth it.