Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Happy "National Get Fat Week"

There. That should take care of all those pesky "Christian" exhortations tacked on to a perfectly good all-religions-welcome-and-can-celebrate-in-there-own-way holidays. I mean, who do those Jesus dogooeders think they are? All the time trying to claim all the good holidays selfishly for themselves. "Thanks" giving. Ha! I see the plan here. I see them sitting in their smoky conference rooms with their billboards trying to devise a plan to MAKE everyone realize that "Thanks" is really code for "Jesus." Well it's not gonna work this time people. "Thanks" just means thanks and that's all there is to that. So don't try and tell me that the Turkey is really symbolic for a ... Manger, or one of the animals present at the birth. Don't bother telling me that the "dressing" stands for how Jesus "dressed up" like mankind or anything. And please, whatever you do, quit with the "Yams" being Latin for "Hypostatic Union." I mean, come on. That is seriously stretchin'' it just a smidge.

In summary, I'M NOT BUYING IT.

So here's the deal. When I walk into your department store this Thursday night to fist-fight some middle-aged overweight four-eyed bachelor or a crazed soccer mom over the new X-box I better hear you say "Happy National Get Fat Week" or I am taking my business elsewhere.



Anonymous said...

It is also National-Meet-Up-With-Your-Dysfunctional-Family Day and National-Watch-Football-Until-You-Feel-Like-Throwing-Up Day. Oh and don't forget: Bring-Your-Family-A-Honking-Big-Christmas-List Day.

Turkey interpretation: Since it has a chemical that makes you feel relaxed and sleepy, couldn't that be a symbol for the peace that passes all understanding?

Seth Ward said...


Good one.

I started to write a verse or two substituting the word "peace" for "Turkey" but... I might be bucking for a bolt if I do.

Chaotic Hammer said...

Uh, yeah. I actually stopped just short of hitting the "Login and Publish" button when I realized that something about stuffing your face with Peace or going out and shooting Peace and wringing its neck just didn't sound right.

Anonymous said...

MMMMM Peace, covered in gravy.

rob said...

Well said, Seth. At least America has a holiday to celebrate its fatness. Right?