Dear world, (i.e. Five Cent Stand Readers)
My name is Dan Brown, and the Roman Catholic Church is evil.
What was the real cause of Katrina? The RCC
Who REALLY framed Roger Rabbit? The RCC.
Who is really covering up all the Roswell UFO stuff? The RCC.
Who put the bom in the bomsha bom ba bom? Who put the ram in the ramalama ding dong? The RCC.
Who is covering the horrible secret that Jesus was actually Jesusetta, a small but opinionated little old Jewish old lady? The RCC.
Who infused the Bible with some elaborate hypnotic codes that force people to watch Joel Osteen? The RCC.
What church is really run by a secret society of lesbian werewolf teletubbies? The RCC.
I'm Dan Brown, and the Catholic Church is evil. Just ask Tom Hanks. He was made into a small child a few years back when the RCC planted an evil fortune telling machine at a local fairground.
Beware of the Catholic Church. Every Church building is built upon a very creepy secret graveyard with a bunch of skulls. And not just any skulls, slippery skulls that snoopy-assed people like that Tom Hanks will slip on and get scared and think twice before he proceeds. They are the skulls of those who have tried to hide the secrets of all these secrets. If only we could find the ancient encryption device... we could unravel the whole Catholic Church and Tom Hanks could be avenged.
Also, has anyone ever noticed the creepy music that plays when you walk into the Catholic Church? Obviously evil and hiding something.
If only I could expose all the secrets... I could stop wearing this turtleneck and jeans, and I could stop carrying around this book everywhere and I could go back to the trailer where I first started writing my first big hit. That would just kick some serious Mary Magdalene Butt.