Saturday, December 15, 2007

.3 degrees of Pink

It's a pretty day here in the city. It's cold but people are out shopping with their kids. We slept in today and it felt reeeeeeeally good. I arose sleepily but happily to get Amber some shampoo and snag some coffee from the Bux. In my groggy state I forgot that there are some laws in the universe that cannot be broken or bent, with any known technology. Because of this, women should protect their men from trying these daunting and dangerous ventures. Husbands can do many things. We are hunter-gatherers. We fight off mountain lions, we assail high and hostile mountain peaks, we vanquish every level that can be made in Halo... However, the sad fact remains: The shampoo makers design the bottles to confuse the weaker sex and succeed they do. Yes, we saunter in and look for colors. Colors we know. Blue sky, white mountain peak, red Mustang, chrome Macintosh, black ipod... But for some reason, in the case of shampoo bottles, we enter into the quantum realm. A house of mirrors that dizzies our wearied souls. Such a seemingly simple task...

I take a quick look at the shampoo bottle at home, it's pink. I go to the drugstore, quickly scan the bottles for the same name and color. Doo doo doo, doo doo doo...

Name brand! Check!

Color, pink, check!

Done! Conquered! I jump, I skip. I proclaim, "Much hugging and smooching from hot wife shall be mine!"

Mission accomplished. I go home, jogging along through the streets like a happy Golden Retriever with a big knotty stick in my mouth.

Enter apartment. Unhappy wife, check. No smooching.

Therefore, I hereby declare that men should be discouraged from this task, or all shampoo bottles of different types should be different colors.

Hang on, hang on… This just in. the shampoo bottles in question apparently ARE different colors, just different SHADES of PINK. Thanks.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry. No. They must be entirely different in color AND shape. Can I get an Amen fellas?

The designers of the shampoo bottles, though they me be men of the “light-in-the-loafers” variety must be notified immediately that normal, everyday, heterosexual, boot-wearing dudes, cannot discern the subtle differences and nuances in shampoo bottle architecture. Heretofore, vis a vis, concordantly. Thank you.


MamasBoy said...

I will give an Amen to that.

Chaotic Hammer said...

In our shower caddy, the shampoo is on one side and the conditioner is on the other. They never "change sides". This is the only thing that helps me in using the right one at the right time. Even knowing which is which, I sometimes seek to read the word "Shampoo" or "Conditioner" on the bottle, to give my mind a last bit of assurance just before putting it in my hair. But I can't find those words there on the bottle. There are lots of words on the bottle. There are words in about five different languages (some of which are pretty funny when misread). But the simple words I seek are either not there, or are so buried among other words as to be undecipherable.

I think this post is a sobering reminder of your relative youth and inexperience, my friend. But at least it reflects that you are gaining much wisdom, and learning these undeniable truths of life.

I haven't attempted this risky venture for some number of years. If we run out of hair products, it simply means I need to turn the "empty" bottles upside down, shake them violently, or find other clever ways to extract the remaining product from the internal parts of the bottle where it is stuck. It never means that I should attempt the bold and daring task that you did.

Seth Ward said...

Ha! Well said. However, She ASKED me to go. I would have NEVER volunteered for that task.

I do the "shake them violently" think myself. When that doesn't work, I'll just give the old ivory soap a few good rubs and then I go to the store.