Monday, September 17, 2007


I've been trying to avoid it. I made a vow to myself that I was going to stay nice. I have smiled at every punk or sucker that has given me abysmally bad service at any given store or shop. (Regular people are nice; it’s the workers that are jerkwads.)

This morning, I crumbled. I fell hard. Much yelling and pounding. Like Tantor or Kong. Like a baby.

To start the day I was awoken by the loud and high-pitched noise of a buzz saw directly above my head. It has been my alarm clock and daily music for past two weeks. Constant, pounding, and slamming and sawing. From 8:00 a.m. till 8:00 p.m. BUT, as far as that goes, I have persevered. Too much beauty in this here city to get mad about people renovating our apartment building so we can have a patio on the roof and cameras to view the people outside who are calling us.

It was the shower that got me.

I stepped in and lathered up nice and put the soap down to rinse form the new and fancy showerhead freshly installed. Without warning, the shower went to a drip, then off. It was just naked-sudsy-me, arse getting colder by the second, and the sweet morning sounds of the pounding and sawing.

I exploded. Erupted. Screamed like a banshee. There was silence. I then said very clearly, "WATER-BACK-ON-NOOOOW." Thinking that my show of brute force and volume had sent fear into the hearts of the workers and imagining them scrambling to retrace their steps and undo what had been done, I watched the faucet with wild eyes, feeling powerful.

Finally after a few seconds, I heard the sound of one faint, latinoesque giggle, then, back to work the men went with renewed vigor.

Only after a phone call to the Super did the water get turned on and I was plenty calm by then, however still soapy wet.


Rob said...

There is a very simple solution to your problem. So simple in fact, that I'm surprised you haven't seen it yourself.


The construction noise is God's punishment on your slothfulness.


(I actually don't believe that last part -- just joking!)

MamasBoy said...

It sounds like it was good for the workers that you weren't presentable enough to confront them face to face. It also sounds to me like you've just given folks an idea for a practical joke that is sure to get your attention. Better hope your wife never shares this with your teenage kids. :-)

Seth Ward said...

Rob, Well, that would be fine but that would solve the problem of the pounding. They would still pound. Then I would be 1 hour sleepier. However, I think you may be right about that judgment part.

Mama's, Well, at this rate, by the time my kids are teenagers, I'll be doing things like wetting the bed and flashing people in public. So they won't need to.

The Cachinnator said...

Please tell me that Amber uses the phrase "water back on now" at every opportunity. Like, does she say it right before turning on the faucet every time or before using a drinking fountain? Can that please be the new superhero phase like, "flame on!" That would make me so happy.

Chaotic Hammer said...

I'm intrigued by the idea that you now have a "Super". Have you ever had a "Super" before, or is that more of a NYC thing?

I've never had a Super, but it sounds neat. I'm also sort of guessing that to be a bona-fide Noo Yawker, you actually have to call him "The Supah".

And I'm also wondering, if you're walking around in the city and see something bad happening, if you would then need to call on Superman. NYC would be a great place for Superman to hang out, and rescue people and fight bad guys and stuff. But just be glad that Amber's name is not "Lois". I hear Superman is pretty smooth with the ladies, and you really don't want to have to compete with him.

The Cachinnator said...

If Seth saw a crime happening, he would just yell, "WATER BACK ON NOW!" to summon his superpowers. Then he'd wash that crime away.

Seth Ward said...

I'm going to try that today cach. Maybe add the word Dammit.

C-hammer, I would so cram a pound of kryptonite up superman's rear... or get someone to cram it up his... well, you get the picture.

Rebecca said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rebecca said...

Ahhhh hell...that sounds like something that would happen to me.

kddub said...

it's like someone that is being poked in the arm over and over and over again, without saying anything, eventually they'll snap!

Seth Ward said...

Hey Rebecca! How's it going with the book?

Tell that sis of mine I said she's a poop for never calling me.

kdub, yes, yes it is. Come to think of it... could be a little Karma. I had three sisters.