Sunday, August 19, 2007

Just face it. We want more Harry.

Dear J.K.

I demand another Harry Potter novel. What are you thinking with all this detective nonsense? I know you are British and all and you guys really dig mystery and everything but... more Harry please. I could give a rat's patookey about reading a detective novel if the hero isn't Harry and he isn't a wizard detective.

Besides, I found the ending to the last Harry Potter sentimental and fluffy. We all knew he was going to get together with Jennay and make a bunch of babies. For crying out loud, you did everything but paint a happy tree in the middle of the canvas. And did Harry really need to name his son… Albus Severus Potter? That sounds like some kind of medieval psychotropic drug or... some sort of English rash you might get from using a public toilet in London. Plus the kid is destined to grow up to be a gargantuan nerd with sore ears from all the flicking.

I suppose you will find a way to make your name resemble Sir Arthur Conan Doyle now instead of J.R.R. Tolkien while you're at it.

Possible endings for you Harry Potter book 7 re-write:

1. Harry brandishes his wand and starts killing everyone in sight and becomes the new villain for your next set of books, where his is redeemed by the love of his son not yet born. YEAH!. Then like, Harry doesn't know his unborn kids are twins and accidentally kills Jennay when she doesn't join him. In a dramatic moment later in book 9, after he has been forced to wear a large black suit because of a bad burn, he tells his son that HE is in fact, his father.

2. As young Albus waves goodbye on the Hogwarts express he looks into his father Harry’s eyes. When their loving eyes meet, Harry’s scar burns like never before. The last sentence is maybe something about a set of fangs slightly visible on his son as the train rolled away.

3. Harry dies and Voldemort wins.

4. Dumbledore comes back and tells Harry the he is his Grandfather and they go about the world robbing banks and tipping cows... maybe they take an orangutan with them that gets them out of trouble and end up in a big nation-wide car race.

5. Harry hooks up with Hermione and takes over the Wizarding world, ruling with an iron fist and forcing everyone to become U.S. Citizens.

6. Harry is still sacrificially killed but screams "FREEDOM!!!!" when asked by Voldemort if he wishes to confess to treason.


Amy said...

I'm rather glad she's putting Harry to rest and not stretching out the books forever. But I'm not sure the detective novel will add anything new to the world. Oh well!

The Stan said...'re a prolific generator of original ideas.