Got bored at Church today and was pondering our tendencies as Protestant to find a Church tailor-made to meet our needs rather than Join a Church because we want to serve because there is a need. A few days ago I was asked what Denomination that I am and could not, with a clear conscience, say that I am Southern Baptist. Nothing against Southern Baptists, I've been one my whole life, it's just that in the past 10 years or so... well thats another blog. So while trying to imagine the Denomination that suited me best, my mood, my allergies for extreme Fundies I felt like I was at a restaurant.
This might work better in that hands of a Forky or a Cachinator but here goes anyway.
Waiter: So what’ll you have tonight?
Diner: Well, my stomach’s a little funny tonight from some bad experience with some raw fundie Baptist chicken so what do you have on the lighter side?
Waiter: well, we’ve got some Presbyterian catfish that is light and liberal. Not to jarring, fluffy but with a spice that will tingle your palate as if it has depth, oh and it’s made with REAL wine (wink) not that grape juice that they cook the Baptist chicken in.
Diner: Well, I’m not too sure about that, I mean, yeah my tummy hurts but, I am not really liberal and I am kind of allergic to fish, but I do like me some wine. (winking and Ribbing the waiter)
Both: (subdued laughter and then they both clear their throats and regain composure)
Waiter: (dignified) I tell you what, we can keep the Wine from the Presbyterian catfish and maybe throw on some Methodist tofu. It tastes just like the Baptist chicken but it is not made of Chicken its tofu. So you get the feel of a Baptist chicken but without the fundamental dogmatic meat that goes with it.
Diner: awwwe I’m not so sure, maybe….hey this nondenominational Philly sandwich sounds pretty yummy. Some fundamental flavor but I can still get a little crazy and go dancing after.
Waiter: well, I have to be honest, it sounds good on the menu but you really never know what your going to get out of one of those non-denom Phillies. When in reality, isn’t non-denominational really a denomination. I mean, come on it kind of defeats the purpose to call yourself non-denominational if you don’t want to call yourself a denomination… so like what if I said, my name is “I don’t have a name” every one would call me “I don’t have…
Diner: Okay, okay, …. I get it. Well I guess we will just keep looking here. Do you have anything that’s not so War oriented? I mean, too much of that stuff is hell on my acid reflex.
Waiter: I have just the thing; we are having a special on Anabaptist and Quaker Casserole. It is divine.
Diner: well I tell you what we are going to do. I think I’ll have the Presbyterian catfish with the Baptist seasoning, then on my side salad I will have the Methodist tofu but I want it fried like the Nondenominational Philly is fried. And substituting for my Church of Christ raw veggies, I’ll have the Anabaptist Quaker Casserole, but can I still get the wine?
Waiter: (whispers) “sure” Just don’t tell my Boss.